At the bottom of the mountain

Worse and worse...

So here's what's up:

I had a triathlon (my very 1st...duh, i mean since when do I do tough stuff like that, right?!) so I'm still recovering from that.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write more.

Yet another Robin Williams Tribute.

This one is my favorite (the video). 

When it's my time to go, I want a video like this done about me. Okay? okay.

I got kicked out of my room today.

Granted, I went willingly. Roommate #1 wanted to speak alone with Roommate #2. 

I'm slightly hurt but it's a hurt I can't explain.

I wasn't wanted. 

My company, my opinions weren't desired.

I'm kind of proud of myself, I openly acknowledged the fact that I wasn't needed for the conversation.

But it still hurts. 

I don't think I've felt this kind of hurt in a while. 

I want to cry. I want to get the hurt and pain that's trapped inside out of me.

Girls, you and I will be together a long time. 

So let me tell you now:

There will be moments when you feel like this. 

Moments that you hurt, you ache, you grieve. 

I'm not trying to take away from all the good that you will feel. For you can't have one without the other.

Learn from me and don't hold it in.

Don't hold it back.

I'm not saying that you need to shout it to the world. 

What I am saying is to get it out of your body. 

Draw, paint, buy something if only to destroy it (an old roommate once smashed a pumpkin as a venting process--use only as a last resort), sing, dance, write, whatever it is, do that thing (Screaming into pillows is also common)

What do I do?

I will admit I hold a lot in. I do. Because I don't want people to know I'm hurting, I don't want them to worry. I make it a point to never cry in public (unless from laughter or the occasional movie--a very rare occurrence) or talk about my pains. 

I categorize things into: Always Talk About, Can Talk About, Maybe Talk About, and Never Talk About.

(I also categorize people but that's another story)

Sometimes I meet people that can hear things from the M.T.A or (the very rarest occasion) N.T.A categories. Most only hear things from the A.T.A or the C.T.A groups. 

Note: I'm liking all the acronyms. I feel businesslike...sort of.

The point, girls, is that don't hold it in. Get it out so that the healing can begin.

P.S. Always know that you can talk to me. No matter what it is, I am available to you. When you are ready.

Warning: do not be too violent. Smashing pumpkins is one thing, don't break things that can't be fixed and that you need to survive such as walls or plates or pillows or the like. Have a bonfire (in a safe environment) and roast marshmallows over the remains of broken relationship memories or horrible class assignments. Be safe, girls, SAFE.

To Die Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure--Tribute to Robin Williams

Dear Girls,

Robin Williams passed away today. He played some of my favorite roles: Mrs. Doubtfire, Peter Pan, John Keating, Genie.


I'm really saddened by his death. Not by the fact that he is dead but that he is no longer here.

Here was a man who made the world laugh and made the world cry. Life wasn't easy and he went through some storms in his personal life.

My favorite of his movies was Hook. (Don't worry, we will watch it frequently.) The love he showed for his children in that film and for his Lost Boys still touches me deeply.

What I'm sad about is that I won't get to see more..but is that too callous? I am grateful for the fact that he was here, here during a time when movies were made and TV shows were produced. That he was able to share his talents with the world and make the world a better place. Were all of his roles his best? Not at all but he has been in roles so memorable that they are still admired, enjoyed and cherished.

And Robin Williams? He's free. At last after years of struggles, he's free. No more pain.

Now if I watch his movies, I'll get to enjoy his company once more whether it's while playing a board game, being babysat by a nanny, sitting in an English class (though since I'm a girl...my presence would have been noticed), circling around Agrabah or flying over Neverland. He will live forever on in the work that he did and people will continue to be touched by his gift.

To Robin Williams, you are the Pan.

Post-Vacation Church Time

I'm home.
There's just something about coming home that beats out everything else. Whether it's the fact that I'm back in the familiar, I'm sleeping in my own bed (always a plus), or the fact that it was a vacation. Vacations must end. They must, I'm a firm believer of that.

But here's something I've noticed (pre-Church). I just got back after 2 weeks and people haven't really noticed or at least said anything. To my roommate they have but that's because she was gone for 5 weeks. I get it, it's a very long time during the summer. But still...

And maybe I'm over thinking it. I'll definitely be putting in my post-church views

but besides my roommates, no one else so far has said "Welcome back" of their own free will.

Kind of hurts.

Why should it hurt? Why should it matter?

I went on a fun vacation and now I'm back in the real world.

Probably because one of my biggest, no, greatest fears is that I'll be forgotten.

That no one will remember me.

And why should they? What have I done to deserve remembrance? 

I'm not nice to everyone.

I lack that charitable love for man, I'm not the girl that is just nice to all. 

So of course it gives way for me to be forgotten.

Why remember someone who, while maybe not mean, at least isn't the nicest around?

I know I wouldn't.

Alright, time for the post-church report.

People did notice that I was back. 

Not too many

but enough. 

I am satisfied for now.

From Sea World to deep insights..(possible ocean metaphor? eh not likely)

This is the longest I've gone without writing. (I think.)

Forgive me but I just got back from Sea World

A place that I haven't been to in years. 

It may sound sentimental but it was like coming home. 

Okay not completely. I'm not Aunt Aubrey.

I love the ocean and the creatures that claim it as their home. 

Dolphins, seals, sea lions, whales, turtles, clown fish 

and orcas and sharks.

Those are my 2 favorite. To the point where I bought a shark tooth necklace and a whale tail necklace while we were at the park.

Here's the Dolphin show that we watched today. 

 I've never been as passionate about the ocean, not outwardly at least. Aunt Aubrey? She wants to become a dolphin trainer and work at Sea World. 

I take that back. I am as passionate, I just don't show it. 

I don't like that I don't show it. 

Girls, you may not like reading this but I'll say it anyways: 

There are a lot of things about me that I don't like. 

Things you may go through (if you're not going through them now). 

I don't like that I don't show emotions, I don't show if I'm passionate. 

It takes a lot to get me to show things. I have to really be angry, really be happy, really be sad, really be excited. 

Otherwise I just show calmness, a laid-back California beach vibe. 

At least that's what I call it. I did live in California, you know haha.

Listen to the song at the end of that video (start about 18:50). I hear that song and songs similar to that and it pushes me, pushes something inside of me to do something, be something, create something and yet...nothing.

It wasn't enough.

Not enough to break through.

Not enough to motivate me.

Maybe I really don't have enough drive. 

Not enough to get past big hurdles..

Guess I've got more to work on then.

Inside Pixar: We're About Telling Stories (and other creative ideas)

This is what I want to do. I want to tell stories. Stories that matter and make people feel things.
When all is said and done, I want my time on this earth to be remembered, my name to be remembered. Does it need to be all big and flashy? No, no it doesn't. But it will be remembered.

Why do I bring up Pixar and creativity and stories?

Well I remember when I was a kid and arts and crafts were a big part of school. I wish I could say that I did my own thing, followed the beat of my own drum.

Nope 

I colored in the lines, I colored pictures with socially acceptable colors. I am NOT saying that that's bad. The colors I picked made the picture look pretty. I'm not saying I regret coloring in the lines.

I regret not letting myself play. 

I didn't let myself try. 

I realize that it's something that I've always done. It's not that I think elephants shouldn't be pink. It's just that technicolor pachyderms are really too much for me.

Oh yeah, I went there.

But really I don't know, I just didn't let myself play. I didn't explore what it would be like to draw a purple elephant and a pink seal (because those two together is a thing).

Maybe I cared too much what other people thought. Yes my pictures looked pretty and I was happy with them. What I didn't do, however, was let myself go (cue Frozen soundtrack).

Enough of that.

I think that what I regret now is that because I didn't explore then, it's harder to explore now. It's a habit, a very, very, very hard habit to break.

I want to explore that kind of creativity, but I don't know how. 

How does one go from coloring in the lines to embracing the blank space outside the lines? I still like what can be done inside the lines, but I can't branch outside nor can I change the colors of the picture.

I found an article (Coloring Outside the Lines) that really got to me. I want to be right, I want to be seen as right (oh my gosh, I sound self-centered, don't judge me) by society.

It'll take time, but I think I could work on that. I could try that with writing. Writing stories that make me happy, that aren't just 'what's right'. Who knows, maybe they'll be awful or maybe they'll be spectacular. The point is I tried, I explored and that must be all I can ask for, right?

Another short one but...yeah, this is why I'm not paid to write this.

Note to self: Stop waiting until late at night.

Alright, here's what I'm going to do: Tomorrow I'm going to write a post during the day (handwritten as I go about my day) and then type it in when I'm by the computer. We'll see how it works.

For now?

Please enjoy one of my current favorite songs:

The Hall and Oates version though I also like The Righteous Brothers version too.

I'm not the best at this, am I?

Yes I am alive.

I've been traveling and enjoying the first few days of my vacation. 

And I've been writing.

There's not much I can say right now as I'm falling asleep typing this. 

I promise..

I will be better.