Still not quite good at this whole blogging thing

Note: so we're going to check every now and then and see what the count ends up being for that last blog post...I'm pretty sure it was a fluke with the other blog.

There's this feeling that comes when I hear just the right song. It's so hard to describe, there's just this feeling that wells up inside of good times ahead. It's the weirdest feeling because it's doesn't always carry the feeling of good times ahead but about projects I want to work on. The music just flows through me, tugging and pulling at, well, I'm not completely sure what exactly. But it gets tugged and pulled at. It does mean that I get to figure that out though, and I'm kind of excited. I do like mysteries!

P.S. As the title suggests, I'm not very good at this am I? I mean, it's not like I'm trying to make money from it or expect to become famous. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out what to write.

Girls, what can I tell you that I won't have already told you in the real world when you actually arrive to said world? 

Yeah...I'm confused too.

The End of Everything or the Beginning (an odd blog post tale)

The following post accrued 18,362 +1s on Blogger. Umm...where, why how? and if so why didn't I get more views. hmm...odd. But I thought I'd share that post with you. It's from March 22 of this year. Also...how does the +1 thing even work? I mean really...totally confusing!


I've lost my creativity.

I can't find it anywhere.

Which is partly why I have this blog, to rediscover it.

But more importantly, to rediscover me. Because you know what I've realized?

I don't love myself.

I like me, I like lots of things about me. I just don't love me.

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"--George Bernard Shaw

I've stopped asking 'why not'. It's almost as if I've stopped dreaming. I still see things, I still notice things, lights, colors, sounds, but I just don't create anymore. And a part of me is seems to be missing. 

Yeah, it's like that.

I'm kind of getting off topic. Let's see, mention loss of creativity mojo-ness, check; mention lack of love for myself, check.

What brought on this idea that I don't love myself? A guy. Well, more specifically my mom asking me how could really any guy love me if I don't even love me. And she's right!! I mean, think about it. If I don't love myself as I am right now, then if I was in a relationship with a guy, my self-worth would be dependent upon him. I'd be so worried about him leaving, about trying to get him to stay that I wouldn't be able to actually focus on the relationship. And if he did break up with me? I don't know what I'd do.

So that's what I have to do. Take baby steps as I rediscover myself. Let myself breathe, and slowly remember what really creating is again. 

I realize that I've slightly rambled, perhaps in a most unorganized manner. 

How does this all connect? It connects because I'm a creative person. Because I'm a creative person, I like to create. Right now, I'm lacking in the creativity department. Partly because I just don't feel creative because I don't let myself enjoy the creating. I'm so determined to stand out, to be noticed, to be the best, that I've forgotten why I loved to create in the first place. I haven't seen that girl who loved to write stories and color whatever she wanted in a long time. 

And so here I am. Starting a journey to revive that creative girl, to remember who she was and what she stood for. 

Well, here goes nothing.

Let's talk about Dancing

What is it with the ends of months that make me not want to write? Don't really know...

Remember when I first started writing? I'd make words bigger, moved them around a bit to provide a bit of flair to the page...

Now?

Nothing like that. Except now I want to start doing that again..like what I'm doing now.

I went to a stake dance last night with a ton of people from my ward and 2 things: 1) It was 40s/50s theme (i like that) and 2) there was a band. A live band. A live big band. I'm talking swing music. Which is one of my favorite types of music despite the fact that I can't swing dance. I'll learn though. It'll be great.

I love to dance. Dancing and singing but we can save that for another time. The feeling of moving across the floor, moving my body, moving to the music, just movement in general makes me feel amazing. If I'm totally comfortable with myself then I just let myself go and I feel like I can fly. If I don't, well that kind of explains itself. That's why I'm taking ballroom classes at school, why I took clogging and ballet my freshman year of college and why I continue to dance. I want to keep that feeling of flying around.

It may or may not be the reason I want to marry a guy who knows how to dance. Oh yeah, I went there. Not even dating anyone and I'm already talking about marriage. Would I be willing to compromise the dancing? umm...maybe, but I think I'm getting carried away.

So back to last night's dance. (Side note: I did all my roommates' hair. I was kind of proud of myself.)





It's me...the back of my head at least. Did it myself. Go me.



This hairstyle (above) was fun because it fits her personality and it went well with her dress.



This one (above) was my favorite. She has such gorgeous hair, it was fun to work with her.



She was wearing a poodle skirt so this style worked well with the overall outfit.


Did you enjoy that brief break from the program? Yes? No? Ah well, now we return to our regularly scheduled program.

So the dance. Let me just say that when one of my "jam songs" comes on, I really get into it. Such was the case with Cupid Shuffle, Cotton Eyed Joe and Footloose. I do dance to other songs. But those songs...mmm I got this, girls, I got the moves for them. But there's a reason I stopped going to stake dances when I was 16. Partly because they cancelled all the summer dances and mainly because of slow dances.

I LOVE SLOW DANCES. Especially if the guy knows how to really dance (thank you ballroom). But guys don't really ask me to dance and I got tired of asking every single time. Which has actually started affecting how I act in my dance classes. I just don't really ask guys anymore. I like to dance with certain guys in my classes, not because I'm attracted to them, but because I know they know the routine. If the guy doesn't know the routine...I'm just really getting carried away tonight...

So last night I didn't dance a single slow dance. Which was sad. Because they were big band slow numbers. Which I love. More than most people know. But...but I just couldn't get myself to ask guys to dance, so I would leave.

Awkward, right? yes.

It was still fun (the fast numbers at least) and the band was phenomenal!! But I need to work on whatever that thing is that's keeping me from asking guys to dance (especially in class). Also it's not just me, it's the boys. They're dumb for not asking more girls to dance (aka myself).

G'night girls.

To Live

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."--You've Got Mail

I write and post pieces on an art website (literature being my niche in that community). I haven't been doing it lately because...well I haven't been writing. 

I have all these big plans, dreams to fulfill and goals to accomplish and yet...nothing.

I'm trying to remember how to dream and create and it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Okay that's not completely true but it's up there near the top of the list if it's not at the top. 

If you take a look at the previous post (go on, peek at it) the quote that's featured on that post is connected to this post. In fact, if you don't want to go back, take a look below:

"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask the God of Heaven for help in solving them. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. - Just do the best you can, but be sure it is your very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Do I do my best? I don't think so. I'm not trying hard enough, not working hard enough, not being hard enough. 
If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't pray enough nor do I read my scriptures enough. And I'm scared of what might happen if I make it a habit, whether good or bad. I'm surviving at this current state of my life and I'm afraid of the unknown. 

This isn't me thinking that my life will be worse, but more that I'll start working on a habit and THEN fail. 
That disappointment, it terrifies me.

So whether my life is meant to be small or grand, unless I can move past myself and become that girl that I'm supposed to be, my life won't be as meaningful as I think it could be.

Nobody's Perfect Except Me (eh...okay I'm not perfect either)

So remember that one time that I said I'd do better the Sunday after my trip? Yeah...didn't happen.

"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask the God of Heaven for help in solving them. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. - Just do the best you can, but be sure it is your very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

A friend of mine posted the above quote a couple of days ago and it really hit me hard. It's what I've been going through, well forever really, but that last sentence is what I'm really struggling with. I just lack patience (I feel like we've talked about this before...) and sometimes I don't try as hard or as much as I should. Which is something I'm working on or at least attempting to work on.

Should be fun times ahead then...

Ehhh...excuses, excuses

I'm falling behind on this...but I'm back now from the trip so starting tomorrow I'll get back on track!

Some brief thoughts

Internet went out last night after I got my homework done...that's the excuse I'll give for my lack of post yesterday and that we're going to count this for yesterday.

Interesting thing about my 2nd post on the 17th. I posted it because I thought it was after midnight and that it wouldn't count as the 17th's post. Then I realized after posting that my computer is still on Utah time.

Yea..that happened.

A Post from California!

I'm finally in California and I promise I'll write more tomorrow...maybe ;)

I like when I finally know things...

or at least figure things out.

Let me explain:

A friend of mine asked me if I could set him up with a former junior high/high school friend. She said she was too busy and I never really heard about it again.

Well this morning (yes the morning after this should have been posted) I see that she got engaged to ANOTHER junior high/high school friend of mine. It all makes sense now (and at least it means she didn't turn down my friend because of him, no she said no because she was in a serious relationship already) and also, FINALLY!! At the back of my mind I knew they would get together but since it was never "Facebook Official" until now that is, well, I'm a terrible person who only believes Facebook....

So that's that. Today I head off to San Francisco for the rest of the week. I'm so excited!!

I'll write again from California!

ode to college but not really an ode

I was sitting outside on campus today during an hour break. Looking around I’m still in awe by the fact that every person I see here is working towards a career. In fact the girl who was sitting at the table next to me was listening to music and sketching away on a large drawing pad.

The idea that everything we learn here will most likely be used in a professional manner is astounding. To have friends who practice dance or music, who act, draw, design and that this is something they want to do for a career.

I write. I work on writing stories or keep up this blog because it allows me to practice. I’m still writing a novel, I’m still working on my fan fiction series, I’m still working on a short story for my old manager at Disney.

But what’s incredible is that I’m in a place where I can do that. Where I can study the written language and I can study media (my potential minor) and where my friends can study fields that they want to pursue. A place where they can collaborate with others to form music groups, design teams or creative teams to create something beautiful because that’s what they want to do.

While this may seem kind of rambling, hey I’m still learning and I’m trying to express how incredibly blessed I feel to be at this university because it allows me to learn and grow.

Cough, Cough

I have this terrible, terrible cough that just won't go away. What's worse is that it's the type of cough that I have to "cough out" as in these loud, throat-hacking jobs that are an embarrassment to myself and those around me. Okay they're not so bad...but still...body, can we not play nice in public?

That's all I'm asking. Thanks.

Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme...

I did laundry today and when I say I did laundry, I mean ALL my laundry. There was a mountain of it. Yes, I have that many clothes.

Needless to say, I'm still tackling the mountain. And what do I have to entertain myself while the mountain is being conquered? Cool Runnings. Fabulous movie.

Also...still sick. In case you were wondering.

Thoughts of a more religious nature

I'm still sick and so I'm taking this weekend off.

Yes I'll get my homework done, my room clean and update this blog. To kick off the weekend, here's a scripture that I've rediscovered and quite enjoy:

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.--Mosiah 4:9

I'm trying to believe that, because it requires patience. Patience that I lack.

Good night, my little ones.

Sickness is as sickness does

I'm sick, so I'm posting just a short thing tonight.

I'll be better soon.

Cheers to you, little ones

I'm not feeling so well, so this is me writing/not writing.

Also...you girls are great. I can't wait to meet you someday. We are going to have the best times. We'll also have tough times but those times will be nothing compared to the fun we'll have.

I can't wait.

Celebrate good times COME ON!

This is a "Congrats Mom, you're still writing your blog" entry.

Yes. Go me.

So to celebrate, here's a video or two (or three) that I quite enjoy.

Nerdy or not, I'm still the Mom. I win.

This because it's Disneyland and rides and a good song (I don't care who you are, I still like it.)

Sweet vocals

I said a third might be a possibility. This next one is just my childhood and everything. 

Disney nerd and proud.

There's a homework party going on in my living room

and I'm a full active participant. Well except for right now as I type this in my bedroom.

No, I didn't try to ditch, it was because I had Spanish homework and some videos to watch for that. I didn't want to disrupt the group so I went back to my room to finish it. And now it's done.

And now where am I going? Back out there to finish some film class reading assignments. "Way to be in school, Mom!" (this is just what I optimistically assume you will say upon reading this)

Raindrops and Roses (Wait...that's not what I meant at all)

I love a good rain storm. Laying in bed, listening to the rain fall, seeing lightning flash. Nature's power is amazing.

Today I got a blessing from my current bishop. In that blessing, I was told that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. I've never gotten that before, not in exact words. It was a relief, you know? To be told: you made the right decisions that led you to where you are and WHERE YOU ARE IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. (when I say right decisions, I mean right school, right apartment complex, goodness knows I've made bad decisions in my lifetime)

A friend of mine posted this song and it touched my little heart. So I thought I'd share it with you.

Oh I hear the thunder...it sounds gorgeous.

Still very much okay.

I didn't make callbacks.

I'm okay with that.

Actually I'm not. I'm not okay in that I thought I was going to at least make the 2nd round.

But other than that I'm very much okay with not making it.

Because I can't act.

I can't. I'm not an actress. Am I dramatic? Oh yeah. But I act OFF stage not ON stage. Me being on stage and not being myself doesn't feel natural. I want people to know me for me, not as someone else. I'm not saying that those who act won't be known as themselves.

But I'm starting to like me. I'd like to show people me not the people I can play.

As a side note, I also have lots of projects to work on during this semester. And let's be honest, my class load probably would have started stressing me out if I also had to add in the rehearsal schedule.

A proud moment for myself, being okay. Not something I would have felt in the past but I feel it so now.

Odd feelings

I don't think I made the comedy group. And that's okay.
I think.
This is the last time I'm auditioning for it. It was also my 3rd time. But I have plans for this semester and honestly...I think me not doing it would be a good thing. I've got a gig as secretary of the campus Disney club, projects to work on and homework to do.

So for once I might actually not feel so bad about not making it. Well it wouldn't be the first time but this time...it just feels alright.

I just had to....

This is not me trying to post another tribute shot (even though it sort of is).

It's me saying look at this beautiful piece of art. I don't know who the artist is (NOT myself) but they are fabulous.

That is all.

Expressions of Impressions

"Impression without Expression equals Depression" Walt Stanchfield (courtesy of Don Hahn's Brain Storm)

I had a meeting last night with a campus club (I'm an officer in it, the secretary in fact) and it went long and then I was working on homework and tired and I COMPLETELY FORGOT to post. So this is for yesterday.

That quote is my new favorite one (or one of my new favorite ones). I'm very much thinking of posting in on my mirror.

More about this tonight in my 2nd post.

Audition Time

I've been working on an audition sketch for a sketch comedy group (Divine Comedy) at BYU. I picked a pretty good cast and we had our run-through tonight. I'm pretty sure it's going to be fantastic.

Enough to get me in? Not sure but I've had fun doing it. And if I don't make it, I still have a lot to work on this semester and I don't have to do everything.

I'll update you on how it goes after the auditions on Thursday.

2 more days....Let's do this! (that was my attempt at motivational stuff....did it work?)

School starts tomorrow

and I'm going to get back into writing every day. Starting today.

Appropriate right?

Also...I'm not on the Hogwarts train right now. Disappointment abounds.