To Live

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."--You've Got Mail

I write and post pieces on an art website (literature being my niche in that community). I haven't been doing it lately because...well I haven't been writing. 

I have all these big plans, dreams to fulfill and goals to accomplish and yet...nothing.

I'm trying to remember how to dream and create and it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Okay that's not completely true but it's up there near the top of the list if it's not at the top. 

If you take a look at the previous post (go on, peek at it) the quote that's featured on that post is connected to this post. In fact, if you don't want to go back, take a look below:

"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask the God of Heaven for help in solving them. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. - Just do the best you can, but be sure it is your very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Do I do my best? I don't think so. I'm not trying hard enough, not working hard enough, not being hard enough. 
If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't pray enough nor do I read my scriptures enough. And I'm scared of what might happen if I make it a habit, whether good or bad. I'm surviving at this current state of my life and I'm afraid of the unknown. 

This isn't me thinking that my life will be worse, but more that I'll start working on a habit and THEN fail. 
That disappointment, it terrifies me.

So whether my life is meant to be small or grand, unless I can move past myself and become that girl that I'm supposed to be, my life won't be as meaningful as I think it could be.