Relaxing

I'm just been tired all day. Of people that is. So I'm staying in tonight, I'm really excited.

I went to the BYU Museum of Art today because they have a costumes exhibit as in a movie costumes exhibit.

While I did love the costumes (I'm always up to seeing things like that), I loved just being in a museum again. It's been far too long. Okay about 2 months, but still.

It was so great being around art. I'm not the greatest of artists but I love observing and studying art.

What a great way to spend some time today.

It's almost Thanksgiving

The semester is winding down. Thank goodness!

"Don’t limit yourself or your imagination. Imagination is a big beautiful space in your heart in which to live. Dream big, dream happy, dream kind."--Kenneth Brannagh

Here's to free food, free laundry and family!

Introverted Me vs. Extroverted Me: The Showdown

For the past week I have been involved with BYU's Care Week as a member and officer of the Disney History Club here on campus. Not something I've ever really done before, either been involved (or even really visited booths) at Care Week or really been part of a club on campus. But I don't know, I had a surge of confidence when I worked at Disney and there's people in the club here who have worked for Disney as well so I get some of that magic back.

I'm not going to lie, it feels really weird sitting here at this booth. I've got Disney music playing, TONS of sparkly confetti lying about and a large Mickey bag. So why do I feel awkward?

Probably because I'm more an introvert than an extrovert aka I don't often show my feelings about things in public. So I keep sitting here feeling ever out of my element and half hoping/half not hoping that I have friends that walk past. I'm conflicted....

I'm never going to be one of those Disney fans who has every piece of clothing, every movie, every toy, every album...okay, the movies, the music, the books and the paintings I want but can't afford. The other things? No, not really my style. Except watches. I used to have this ADORABLE Mickey watch but it disappeared on me.

Thankfully the student center isn't really busy right now. So I have some breathing room. 2:30 hours left.

Dream or Reality

You know what's great about theme parks? They aren't reality.

And yet for 7 months, Walt Disney World Resort was my reality. I went all through that resort and even now I can still feel the excitement, the joy of being in the park.

Working at Disney was tough but I had free access to the parks. I used that. My dad always said that I was hurting myself by going to the parks so much. Not in a "you should not go" way but in a "you're going to really miss this when you're back in school' way.

I do.

I absolutely do. Even working wasn't reality. There were smiles all over, I played with children, I played with adults, I got to be myself in the best way.

And when I played, I could just enjoy being a kid again...granted, one who was tall enough for all the rides.

I miss it.

I miss atmosphere, the feeling that came from observing others enjoy themselves, I miss waiting in lines for rides, catching shows, watching parades and knowing that I worked a full-time job so I could just enjoy the parks and not feel guilty.

Soon though...soon I hope to be back again.

I'm going back to Disney soon.

A weekend of learning

I competed this weekend in BYU's Dancesport and then volunteered during the evening shifts. I only competed in one event this semester due to lack of men and timing (but mostly lack of men). My work shift was at the same time as my 284 class event so I opted out of competing with that class. What I did compete in was the paso doble. I am a silver-level student and that was the Gold I dance. So basically I was dancing up to compete in that.There was 4 heats to start off with, I'm not sure how many couples overall, but I made it through that round to the Quarterfinal as one of 21 couples. So that was quite a few silver and gold couples that I knocked out before getting cut. It's needless to say but my latin instructor was super proud of me, heck I was super proud of me.

I love volunteering for Dancesport because I get to interact with the dancers and the coaches. Line up is my favorite position to work because I get to boss dancers around. Working that is always one of my favorite things. Every semester that I work Dancesport, I have more and more friends who compete so I can joke around with them. It has gotten to the point where I was talking to Emily (the TA for my Latin class and wife of the instructor, they are so great together!) on Saturday about what events she was competing in and she asked me if I knew where another dancer was. I didn't and told her that I was sorry and that I don't quite know everyone yet and she said "you will". Which means back to high school for me when I was known as the girl who knew everyone (or at least enough to know who they wanted to find).

I had signed up for Dance 180 for next semester, Beginning Social Dance. I'm thinking easy A and I've never taken it before. It would be a nice break from standard ballroom and I'm hoping to get into Gold I Latin next semester (if I don't, I'm signed up for 285 again). But both my Latin coach and one of my good friends on the tour team said that I'm too good for 180 and that I needed go right to 280 (a 2nd friend agreed). So I'm on the waitlist for a 280 class and one of my other tour team friends, a guy in my ward and the 2nd friend that agreed, is going to do a blitz master class for me and teach me all of 180 in 4 hours. He also told me what I need to do to get into that 280 class that I want.

Why did I tell you all that?

Because of that last paragraph (and the last line of the 2nd paragraph). The last line bit makes me feel good like I'm really becoming a part of the ballroom community. The last paragraph because it means that my friends and instructors know that I can dance and that I am getting better (and am good enough to skip a class. Saves me a semester of tuition money...or at least my parents. Something I've been very thankful about).

There was more I learned this weekend but that will be saved for another post.

It's A Ball during Fall

So I went with a cheesy, rhyme-y title.

I just really like fall, the crisp air, the colors, the cute fall/winter hats that I look absolutely adorable in. Oh yes. Fall is a good time for me.

I used to wish I was born during fall, I felt like such a Fall girl. But now I don't wish that anymore. Partly because my half-birthday is in the fall, so I get to celebrate a little bit. Also partly because then my real birthday isn't by Christmas which means I can guarantee presents for both my birthday and Xmas. None of this sharing my presents between holidays, thank you.

It's a Monday morning and I'm ready to take on the week. It's going to be great! I'm taking the lessons I learned yesterday and am going to test it out this week.

You know what I'm really excited about? It's Zumba day. Which means Zumba and then a half-hour jog right after. I used to be the type of person to avoid such things but now I'm pushing myself to do them. Because 1) Zumba's been pretty fun so far and 2) I want to do a 10k and a 5k with RunDisney next year. So I need to start training now.

Thanks for putting up with my long post yesterday, I just really needed to vent. I don't even think I got everything out but it helps knowing I can dump it all on you and you won't judge me. At least openly. At least if you want any presents at some future point in your life. Just saying.

Side note: Here's a great cover of 'When You Believe'. Enjoy!

Today was a low day for me and the lessons I learned

I don't know why but Sundays have just become my low days. Maybe because I don't have much scheduled and so I have to entertain myself. Okay that's not completely true. I just don't have as much going on Sundays. I don't know..Sundays are just easier for me to sink.

We had a multi-stake conference today with Elder Ballard speaking. That man is SO funny. He made some really great points about goal-making (which I NEED to work on) and just some really great points about life.

My day took a turn for the worse after that wonderful meeting.

After church I was talking with my room-roommate and her sister (we'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 respectively. Both super great.) One of the guys in the ward came over and started chatting with us. His apartment was going to host ours for dinner tonight. So the 4 of us are talking and then that guy's roommate came by. Now this is guy who is all that. Whether or not I have a crush on him is up for grabs. He's the type of guy that everyone knows who he is. Confident, Classy. Talented. Girls, you will soon be aware of this type of guy. I shall dub him (in true knighted fashion) Sir Flash.

Note: Sir Flash--a guy who possesses

flashy, visual talents: singing, acting,

dancing, etc. This guy may be nice, 

I'm not saying he's not. But he is 

flashy. That is all.

Anyway, Sir Flash came over to talk to us mainly because his roommate was there and because of Thing 2. They're pretty great friends. No romantic involvement at all (for the record). 

With Sir Flash, I feel like I'm not noticed at all. Not even just noticed like he doesn't like me as a person so he tolerates me solely because of my roommates. 

I don't like feeling like I'm not noticed. And also both guys made sure to invite Thing 2 to dinner so I felt extra awkward. Thing 2 is great, don't get me wrong, but she's super pretty. Both Things are really pretty. Doesn't help my low self-confidence much. 

Everyone kind of left, off to do different things. I was going to work on writing, then instead I was going to make a dessert for the dinner, but then I changed my mind. I called my best friend because I felt hurt. And I'm so glad I did. I broke down crying. She was telling me how she thinks I'm super talented, hilarious, she loves my sense of humor, etc. I don't often hear what other people think about me and I forget about the good things. So it was so good to hear. 

She's grown so much since we first met back in 2010. She's become this strong, amazing person. I asked her when she became so strong and she could hear me crying. So she asked if I wanted to go for a drive and we did. 

Even just talking to her on the phone changed my day around. The drive just made it so much better. 

We talked about people with a new kind of analogy, at least one that I haven't heard of: puzzles.

Imagine this. Everyone is a puzzle piece. And not everyone fits together. I'm not talking about the dating relationship version. I'm talking friendship. 

Not everyone fits together and that is just fine. When I worked at Disney, I had friends but I wasn't best friends with most of them. We were all part of the same puzzle (Disney) but we weren't part of the same section of that puzzle. I understood that and I was fine with that. 

But now I'm back at BYU and I keep trying to squeeze my puzzle piece to fit everyone else's. And I don't need to do that.

Thanks to that talk, dinner went much better and I feel much better. Better than I have in a while. 

And I'm TOTALLY going to hang on to that puzzle analogy. It worked so well for my creative, visual self.

Validation: The Facebook Way

I posted something on Facebook the other day. Actually it was that "You Never Know" video. What was interesting about that status was the fact that I actually opened up about personal things.

I got maybe 5 likes. Possibly 6 likes.

This is how low my self-esteem is. I see other people post similarly styled statuses and they get dozens of likes. Sometimes even up into the 100s.

I sit at 6 likes.

Facebook is awful because it makes visual validation important. I don't know how many people actually viewed my post, all I know is how many people clicked "Like". There's so much that goes into whether or not something is popular on Facebook. Level of interest, time of day posted, where it's posted, amount of friends/followers, etc.

I'm not proud to admit that I thrive, I need that validation. It's how I know I'm doing things right, following the right shows, listening to the right bands, goodness knows how many other things.

I don't even think it's because I want to be popular. Sure, back in elementary school or junior high, heck I wanted to be popular up through high school. It never happened though. Now it's more that I just want to be noticed. Oh heck, it's because I want to be popular. I want people to know who I am, to know my name. I want to do something or have done something that gets the attention of others (in a good way!).

There's a girl I work with who asks 'survey questions' to the customers. Purely harmless and I was actually the one who got her started. Now she gets recognized around campus as "Survey Girl" and she has 'regulars' that get excited when she asks a new question.

That could have been me! But I'm more often behind-the-scenes than at center stage which can hurt a lot especially when I hit a low point.

I'm getting better though. I'm learning, truly learning that I don't need that validation to be a good person and that validation, while it helps, is not what I should strive for. If I get it, then great. If I don't, my life will continue to move on in about as much the same way that it would have had if I had gotten that validation. Make sense? Yes? No? Eh...oh well.

Trial By Fire

I go to BYU where this year we were ranked as the smartest and hottest campus in the country. That's great. I quite enjoy BYU. I get a tuition break thanks to my dad and it's an LDS school. Makes living life a little bit easier if I don't have to worry about my standards.

BYU is also notorious for its high standards. Everyone is smart (obviously they had to be to get in), talented (dancing, singing, music, art, science, etc.), pretty, friendly, resourceful, hard-working...hold on, I need to get a thesaurus...no, I think you get the picture.

What's a girl to do?

Sometimes I absolutely hate BYU. I feel lost, that I fall through the cracks. Everything that I can do, there is ALWAYS someone who can do it better than me. I'm not part of any of the performing teams or do anything that would bring my name some kind of recognition. I am part of a couple of fun groups but even then I don't feel like I'm noticed. EVER!

This has been something that I've talked with my therapist about. Heck, I've talked to several bishops (both current and past) about this. They ALL agree that BYU can be a hard place.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard because it's good. Which makes it that much worse.

But that leaves me feeling insecure and frankly a failure. I'm not the greatest student, I'm not pretty by society's standards and I don't know, I often feel like I'm failing in some area of my life or another at any given point.

That's not healthy. Not in the slightest. I know that. My therapist knows that. That's something that I want you girls to know too.

I constantly have to remind myself that I'm okay just the way I am. That the improvements that I strive for are for myself and not for anyone else. This life is about progression. I can progress and work on making myself better. Doing that to impress others, whether it be friends, crushes or parents isn't the right way to go about it.

This following video really struck a chord.

"'Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient....We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do....You never know how much good you do."'" Gordon B. Hinckley

I met with my therapist on Monday. At one point we again turned to this subject. I vented again my frustrations about feeling ignored and lost. We went back and forth about it for a minute. I told him that I knew I was where I needed to be (apartment complex, BYU, Provo, etc) and he responded by saying he knew why I was supposed to be there. He said he was going to read God's mind and that I was supposed to be here so that I could learn how to create a firm ground to stand on, to be comfortable in my own skin and that I don't need the validation of others to be happy (which is something that I do currently care and possibly obsess about). Yes, I know that he couldn't read God's mind but the point was still a valid one. It makes sense. How am I supposed to become better or stronger if there's no resistance to force me to grow?

While that's not my favorite way to grow, if I'm supposed to be here, then I should at least make some kind of effort. My way was obviously not working. Time to try something new.

Note: I do have friends that reach out to me. To those friends, I am forever grateful. But especially when I get low, I forget or lessen the value of those friends in favor of the majority that ignore me for whatever reason. This is why I keep going to therapy, one of the issues that I strive to correct.

What We Should Have Been Talking About All Along

I've never really been honest with you, have I?
No, I don't think so.

If I want to be the mom to you that I should be then, well, maybe I better start.

When I write to you, I don't tell you everything. In fact I treat you like I treat my friends and family.

I categorize everything. Call it OCD, call it fear, call it, I don't what else you could call it. But it's what I do. I categorize people (friend, family, co-worker, stranger, professor, crush, etc.) and by categorizing them, I also can decide what conversation subjects are appropriate to discuss with them. The most basic subjects are usually boys, school, work, light easy subjects that are stereotypically and socially acceptable for a girl of my status (single, young, Mormon college student). Oh and the weather is ALWAYS an appropriate subject to discuss.

I have done the same thing with you. True, I've treated you like I treat my closer friends and my closest family members. I've opened up to you girls more than I do most other people. But I still don't tell you everything. There may be times when you read this and think "Mom, you're so embarassing, why did you have to say that?!". There may be times when I agree with you.

But how can you learn anything from me if I don't tell you anything that I think is important?

So I'll start now.

I've been going to therapy off and on since 2010. I've really been going since October of 2012 (minus the time off for my Disney program) and it's helped a lot. I suffer from depression, mild or otherwise. I don't take anti-depressants and I'm happy about that.

Most days I'm pretty good, I'd even say spectacular. I get low sometimes but so far I've been able to bounce back. I've felt suicidal before, years ago with specific moments between 2011 through 2012. I have a really good therapist who helps so much and I'm blessed to be able to meet with him.

Honestly if it weren't for the gospel and my patriarchal blessing, I'd have been dead long ago. But God knows what I need and he throws me a rope when I need it the most.

The following passage has become one of my favorites. I found it one day when I was low. Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew God loved me. It comes from Mosiah 4:9 in the Book of Mormon:

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.