What We Should Have Been Talking About All Along

I've never really been honest with you, have I?
No, I don't think so.

If I want to be the mom to you that I should be then, well, maybe I better start.

When I write to you, I don't tell you everything. In fact I treat you like I treat my friends and family.

I categorize everything. Call it OCD, call it fear, call it, I don't what else you could call it. But it's what I do. I categorize people (friend, family, co-worker, stranger, professor, crush, etc.) and by categorizing them, I also can decide what conversation subjects are appropriate to discuss with them. The most basic subjects are usually boys, school, work, light easy subjects that are stereotypically and socially acceptable for a girl of my status (single, young, Mormon college student). Oh and the weather is ALWAYS an appropriate subject to discuss.

I have done the same thing with you. True, I've treated you like I treat my closer friends and my closest family members. I've opened up to you girls more than I do most other people. But I still don't tell you everything. There may be times when you read this and think "Mom, you're so embarassing, why did you have to say that?!". There may be times when I agree with you.

But how can you learn anything from me if I don't tell you anything that I think is important?

So I'll start now.

I've been going to therapy off and on since 2010. I've really been going since October of 2012 (minus the time off for my Disney program) and it's helped a lot. I suffer from depression, mild or otherwise. I don't take anti-depressants and I'm happy about that.

Most days I'm pretty good, I'd even say spectacular. I get low sometimes but so far I've been able to bounce back. I've felt suicidal before, years ago with specific moments between 2011 through 2012. I have a really good therapist who helps so much and I'm blessed to be able to meet with him.

Honestly if it weren't for the gospel and my patriarchal blessing, I'd have been dead long ago. But God knows what I need and he throws me a rope when I need it the most.

The following passage has become one of my favorites. I found it one day when I was low. Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew God loved me. It comes from Mosiah 4:9 in the Book of Mormon:

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.