BYU is also notorious for its high standards. Everyone is smart (obviously they had to be to get in), talented (dancing, singing, music, art, science, etc.), pretty, friendly, resourceful, hard-working...hold on, I need to get a thesaurus...no, I think you get the picture.
What's a girl to do?
Sometimes I absolutely hate BYU. I feel lost, that I fall through the cracks. Everything that I can do, there is ALWAYS someone who can do it better than me. I'm not part of any of the performing teams or do anything that would bring my name some kind of recognition. I am part of a couple of fun groups but even then I don't feel like I'm noticed. EVER!
This has been something that I've talked with my therapist about. Heck, I've talked to several bishops (both current and past) about this. They ALL agree that BYU can be a hard place.
Don't get me wrong, it's hard because it's good. Which makes it that much worse.
But that leaves me feeling insecure and frankly a failure. I'm not the greatest student, I'm not pretty by society's standards and I don't know, I often feel like I'm failing in some area of my life or another at any given point.
That's not healthy. Not in the slightest. I know that. My therapist knows that. That's something that I want you girls to know too.
I constantly have to remind myself that I'm okay just the way I am. That the improvements that I strive for are for myself and not for anyone else. This life is about progression. I can progress and work on making myself better. Doing that to impress others, whether it be friends, crushes or parents isn't the right way to go about it.
This following video really struck a chord.
"'Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient....We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do....You never know how much good you do."'" Gordon B. Hinckley
I met with my therapist on Monday. At one point we again turned to this subject. I vented again my frustrations about feeling ignored and lost. We went back and forth about it for a minute. I told him that I knew I was where I needed to be (apartment complex, BYU, Provo, etc) and he responded by saying he knew why I was supposed to be there. He said he was going to read God's mind and that I was supposed to be here so that I could learn how to create a firm ground to stand on, to be comfortable in my own skin and that I don't need the validation of others to be happy (which is something that I do currently care and possibly obsess about). Yes, I know that he couldn't read God's mind but the point was still a valid one. It makes sense. How am I supposed to become better or stronger if there's no resistance to force me to grow?
While that's not my favorite way to grow, if I'm supposed to be here, then I should at least make some kind of effort. My way was obviously not working. Time to try something new.
Note: I do have friends that reach out to me. To those friends, I am forever grateful. But especially when I get low, I forget or lessen the value of those friends in favor of the majority that ignore me for whatever reason. This is why I keep going to therapy, one of the issues that I strive to correct.
What's a girl to do?
Sometimes I absolutely hate BYU. I feel lost, that I fall through the cracks. Everything that I can do, there is ALWAYS someone who can do it better than me. I'm not part of any of the performing teams or do anything that would bring my name some kind of recognition. I am part of a couple of fun groups but even then I don't feel like I'm noticed. EVER!
This has been something that I've talked with my therapist about. Heck, I've talked to several bishops (both current and past) about this. They ALL agree that BYU can be a hard place.
Don't get me wrong, it's hard because it's good. Which makes it that much worse.
But that leaves me feeling insecure and frankly a failure. I'm not the greatest student, I'm not pretty by society's standards and I don't know, I often feel like I'm failing in some area of my life or another at any given point.
That's not healthy. Not in the slightest. I know that. My therapist knows that. That's something that I want you girls to know too.
I constantly have to remind myself that I'm okay just the way I am. That the improvements that I strive for are for myself and not for anyone else. This life is about progression. I can progress and work on making myself better. Doing that to impress others, whether it be friends, crushes or parents isn't the right way to go about it.
This following video really struck a chord.
"'Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient....We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do....You never know how much good you do."'" Gordon B. Hinckley
I met with my therapist on Monday. At one point we again turned to this subject. I vented again my frustrations about feeling ignored and lost. We went back and forth about it for a minute. I told him that I knew I was where I needed to be (apartment complex, BYU, Provo, etc) and he responded by saying he knew why I was supposed to be there. He said he was going to read God's mind and that I was supposed to be here so that I could learn how to create a firm ground to stand on, to be comfortable in my own skin and that I don't need the validation of others to be happy (which is something that I do currently care and possibly obsess about). Yes, I know that he couldn't read God's mind but the point was still a valid one. It makes sense. How am I supposed to become better or stronger if there's no resistance to force me to grow?
While that's not my favorite way to grow, if I'm supposed to be here, then I should at least make some kind of effort. My way was obviously not working. Time to try something new.
Note: I do have friends that reach out to me. To those friends, I am forever grateful. But especially when I get low, I forget or lessen the value of those friends in favor of the majority that ignore me for whatever reason. This is why I keep going to therapy, one of the issues that I strive to correct.
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