No More Late Nights....please?

I'm sitting here listening to the song below.

I know, I know, I haven't been around in days. Goodness. 

Well still, for me, this is a job well done. A new month starts tomorrow and it'll be a new month to try to make it every day on this thing. 

I thought since I only have a few minutes (I really gotta stop doing this late night bit, it's throwing off my groove) I should write down a few things I'm grateful for:

1. I'm grateful for the Gospel. I'm Mormon, I live it (or try to), I love it (no questions there) and it's been the greatest blessing in my life. I honestly wouldn't be standing sitting here today without the gospel. 
2. I'm grateful for family. Our family is wicked cool and I wouldn't change it one bit (though there are a few people I'd like to add to it. Cool people like Hugh Jackman, Emma Stone, Emma Watson, Jennifer Lawrence, Neil Patrick Harris, to name a few blatantly obvious ones). I love my suburban childhood full of beach trips, Disney, card games, board games, swimming, vacations, my teen years (despite the stress of puberty), the fact that they pushed me to try to be the best me I could be, even though I haven't quite become her yet. Working on it!
3. I'm grateful for friends. Almost a 2nd family and in some cases part of my family. A certain best friend would be part of this cast. My apartment complex is the greatest and I feel comfortable going to friends' apartments to say hi. So far they seem to put up with my insecurities when it comes to friends. I'm not good at making really good friends. But I'm working on it and so far it's been okay. No bruises yet. 

It's not that I don't have more to be thankful for. I do. Here's the last one. 

I'm thankful for my bed. The bed that never questions me, never judges me and is calling to me right now. 

I promise I'm not a slacker but...

....now you know why I don't keep blogs for very long.

Life gets in the way.

I don't know, I don't have a smart phone so I need to update this on my computer. Am I complaining about the lack of phone? No, no I'm not. Not at all.

I'm trying..okay? I'm trying.

Tomorrow I'll actually post during the day because I'm going to be busy tomorrow afternoon and night. I'm super excited. One of my bestest friends, Dallas, is coming to visit and we're going to go around downtown Salt Lake City for a few hours.

I'm really tired, so that's all I have for you.

A Explanation of Short Proportions

Forgive me, you're not going to get my personal mission statement tonight.

Here's why:

1. It's late. I'm tired. Girls, Mom's not invincible (at least right now at this stage of my life. Apparently that will change once I become a parent).
2. I went on a 2-hour bike ride, 13 miles and it took a greater chunk of time than I was planning
3. I went swimming. In a pool. An outdoor pool. A pool in my complex. A pool surrounded by my complex. My insecurities are deeper than the pool and yet I did it. Will I do it again? Probably not. 
4. I watched the pilot episode of Once Upon A Time with a friend. Or at least a portion of it. 

So that's why. And I'm sorry this is super short, believe me, Grandma gets after me when my weekly emails aren't long enough. But the mission statement will come tomorrow. Pinkie promise!

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (The Challenge duh duh DUHHHH)

In part of my effort to do, well I'm not exactly sure what to call it, I've been reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R.Covey. Great book, I've also read the teen version written by his son, Sean Covey. I kind of prefer that version, it has pictures and is easier to understand. But I also like reading the original one because it makes me feel more adult-ish. Yeah, that's a thing.

I just finished reading the first habit and started reading the 2nd one this morning when Stephen Covey put forth a challenge. The idea was to picture going to a funeral, thinking of all the details, seeing all the faces and upon reaching the casket seeing the dearly departed: yourself. Then as you sit down and look at the program, 4 people will speak:

1. a member of the family, immediate or extended
2. a good friend who can give a sense of who you were as a person
3. a co-worker or colleague 
4. a member of your church or community organization

Stephen put forth some questions to really get me thinking. Sorry, I just can't keep up the 2nd person point of view. It's a tad exhausting. He was asking what would I like each speaker to say about me and my life, what kind of wife or mother, what kind daughter, cousin or friend. What character would I want them to have seen, contributions or achievements. And then the big question: What difference would I like to have made in their lives? 

He said to take a few minutes to jot down my thoughts and since I talk to you girls the most, I thought I'd share them with you. Plus I think this totally fits what Bishop wanted me to write. So *deep breath* here goes: 

It may sound slightly self-centered to speak about so many wants but that's the only way I know how to do so. If I figure out a better way, maybe i'll change it. 

I want to be remembered. That is the ultimate desire and my greatest fear. I don't want to be forgotten, I'm terrified of me leaving and no one remembering that I was there, that it didn't matter that I spent some time there. So I want to be remembered. I want people to remember me as a good person, that I loved my family, that I was an equal to my husband (except for the part where Mom is always right and Dad is only there to agree with Mom. I'm pretty sure there's a T-shirt about that), that I raised my kids right and that they know that I love them, that I loved them and supported them (except on game nights when I'm against them. If they lose, they lose. It'll toughen them up I think. Maybe..I hope?)

I want people to know I loved my siblings and my parents, that I honored my parents and that I was good to my siblings even if we had our squabbles in the past. I want my cousins to be proud to call me family, to be honored to say "Jocelyn was my cousin, how cool, how lucky am I to have her for a cousin?", I want my friends to say the same thing. I want my friends to feel like they because "cool by association" because I was in their lives. Okay maybe that was a bit conceited. 

So maybe I won't make a tremendous mark on the world, at least not one covering the magazines and newspapers. Did I want that growing up? Sure I did and sometimes I still do. But at the end of my time, maybe it won't be for some contribution to entertainment or academics or anything super well known, but I want the world to know my name. Do you hear me? The world is going to who I am and is going to be sad when I'm gone. But when I picture that, it's not with vigils around the world, it's more that I was a good person and that I changed the world for the better by increasing my "Circle of Influence" (see I totally paid attention to that book!) and so when I'm gone, it won't be that there won't be anyone like me (even though that's totally true. I'm all for individualism), it'll be because I made a difference. I made a difference in the world, one that was for the better. Maybe the entire world won't know my name but as I grow and live and interact with people, I hope to be able to leave light and goodness in my wake. 

That my dear ones is what I want. That is what I'd like emphasized at my funeral on that far (very far, near Star Wars opening far) 

not quite like this, but you get the point

I think tomorrow I was planning to do my "Personal Mission Statement" so stay tuned, it should be a thriller! 

Or not.

Yeah, probably not.

Mind over Matter (or at least just Mind)

The mind is such a powerful thing. Your mother's mind is even better than most. Eh in some things. Not in others. Like science, math, ick chills me to the bone.

Allow me to explain better what the heck I'm trying to say:

I remember things.

Not just schoolwork and work procedures. Not just movies, actors, actresses, books, songs.

No, I'm talking people. I remember people.

If I met you in class or in my ward or at work, if you told me your name, I'd probably remember it. And as we got to be better friends and talk more, I'd remember more. I'd remember conversations we had, details you told me about, boys you liked, girls you hated (not that you'd ever hate anyone), I just remember bits of your life. I'd remember what you did over the weekend, maybe a month ago, maybe even last summer.

Because it mattered to you.

The problem is that you might not remember it like I do. Goodness knows most people don't. So I'll bring up a conversation or something from that conversation and you'd give me a look like 'what the heck is she talking about?'.

It kind of sucks, you know. It's a superpower that I don't exactly want but at the same time I don't want to get rid of it.

What's worse is that because other people don't have the same memory that I do, I have low expectations of what people remember of me, of my life. Maybe it's low expectations, a low trust level, I don't know. What I do know is that I'm genuinely surprised when people remember something of my life.

Like today. Today a friend of mine asked about an activity I had (or was supposed to have, it never happened). I hadn't brought it up around him in at least a week, I think. Pretty sure. My superpower is good but it's not completely perfect. I am still human you know. Anyway it made me feel good inside that he remembered. It probably didn't mean anything to him to remember it but to me, I didn't expect him to bring it up. I think there was a thought that he might but I have a lot of thoughts. No, I honestly didn't expect him to remember and he did. 10 points for Gryffindor.

I'm still getting used to this superpower. It has gotten me in trouble in the past leaving awkward trails behind me. I think it has also impressed people. Impressed them when I remembered something and no one else did, some activity they went on, some person they met. And let me tell you, it does make sharing stories easier.

Not my stories. Apparently I can't always remember who I told a story to and which story it was. Apparently it works on others but not myself. Ah oh well.

That, my dear ones, is all for now. I will write again soon. Like tomorrow.

Completed Projects

I love when things are done. It makes me feel all warm inside. On the other hand, it might also make me throw my fists in the air and say "yes, I actually got something done."*

My weekend with the family is over and it was nice despite the fact that I didn't really spend it with the family. Grandma, Grandpa and Emily were at a conference. Spencer was at Scout Camp and Aubrey, Great-Aunt Brandi and I were the ones left at home.

So the above-mentioned project involves my iTunes. When I got my current laptop, I transferred over all my music files from the old laptop. However just because they were on my computer didn't mean they were on my iTunes. So since February I've been opening each and every song on iTunes. There was a long break somewhere in there (that lasted until today) because I had several Styx albums and I just didn't want to deal with it. At long last it's over!! My iPod is at last synced to this new computer which means that all the music I've purchased since getting this new computer is finally on my iPod.

Which makes today sort of productive. I didn't get any writing done, I did organize my new wallet and I didn't prepare my lesson for tomorrow. So 50%. How nice. I've been known to accept that much in blame for missing gym workouts. Or at least I've been known to offer it. I may have mentioned that before, maybe not. Don't worry about it though.

With school over (Praise BE!), I'm back to the grindstone with work and writing. Let's get started...or at least tomorrow**

*by something done, I mean personal projects, not work. I always get work done.

**I accept that procrastination may occur.

The Adult Version of Boo (a.k.a Me)

Girls, girls, girls....

It's been what, 20 days now since this all began?

And in those 20 days we have talked about a good deal: school, boys, writing, Grandpa, boys, Collabro and probably a third dose of boys. This is me going off the top of my head, not even checking the topic titles of the previous posts.

I've said this before and no doubt will say it again: What is the point of me writing these posts? Honestly it feels like half the time I only post to see a jump in page views.

Sad, right? 

yes, sort of, maybe

I wish that I had something for you, some bit of wisdom that is just outstanding. Something that you would read and say, "Man, our Mom is just the coolest Mom on the planet. She's so smart." At which point I would appear humble and say something along the lines of "Why yes, yes I am."

But no, honestly I wish I had something to tell you. Some life lesson. But because I don't, it basically means that my life is average right now. I'm not doing anything extraordinary nor am I sinking to the bottom of the totem pole. Your mother is right in the middle. Which I guess is a good thing. I'd rather be here than at the bottom. Unless it's Bikini Bottom.

I don't even know why I'm whining right now! I had a good day, got laundry done, practiced and played the piano for a good 30 minutes to an hour or more. I went shopping with your Aunt Aubrey, buying some new jewelry, new perfume, sunglasses and scoring some sweet movies and CDs at the D.I. Today was a good day and tomorrow I get a new phone. So I have nothing to complain about. Not really.

Why am I whining then? It doesn't even seem to be whining.

No, no it is whining.

 I must be tired. 

Yep, that's it. I'm tired. 

But on the plus side, you still get to read my words. 

Since we've already established that I'm smart, let me just shower you with intelligent words of wisdom and give you a virtual kiss good night. 

A Toast to the Weekend

I have now missed 2 days.

Actually I remembered before I went to bed last night that I hadn't written a post yet. But I was tired and I didn't want to get out of bed. Girls, I warn you now. This may happen again if my computer is not in the same room as I.

“Inspiration is for amateurs — the rest of us just show up and get to work,” Chuck Close scoffed. “A self-respecting artist must not fold his hands on the pretext that he is not in the mood,” Tchaikovsky admonished. “Show up, show up, show up, and after a while the muse shows up, too,” Isabel Allende urged.

I pulled that from an art article that a friend posted. Guess that makes me an amateur since I sit around half the time waiting for the inspiration to come. Well no time like the present to get started, right?

I did have a fun idea that I want to play with for a possible animated short. Since that's the field I want to get into, I should probably come up with ideas now. But you know what? I think that's the area I've always been supposed to go into. When I come up with ideas, 96.5% of the time they are in scene form. Movie scene form. And more often then not the idea is of something that can't be done with live action. At least, it probably could but it would be easier to do with animation. Animation just allows you to explore all possibilities not just the ones that are accessible by earth's technology.

That doesn't make sense. But hopefully you get my drift, I really don't want to have to try to go through that again.

So this new idea, I'm looking forward to playing with it. And now with my finals done, all I'll have during the day is work and triathlon training. The work will provide me with money (possibly ideas) and the training will provide me with exercise and clear the head for creativity. First thing I have to get through though is this weekend.

I'm going home to visit the family because plans fell through. That's okay, free laundry and free food. And fun bonding time. We have a fantastic family and I'm super blessed to be so close. Well close enough that they can come pick me up since I lack a car of my very own. Someday though, someday.

They should be here now so I need to finish getting ready. You'll love them when you get here and they'll love you. Be prepared though for mocking. It'll be done with love but it will be done.

Time for a Change (in less dramatic terms)

Yesterday was a low for me.

I already mentioned the guy.

I pulled this from an old blog (the most recent one):

"What brought on this idea that I don't love myself? A guy. Well, more specifically my mom asking me how could really any guy love me if I don't even love me. And she's right!! I mean, think about it. If I don't love myself as I am right now, then if I was in a relationship with a guy, my self-worth would be dependent upon him. I'd be so worried about him leaving, about trying to get him to stay that I wouldn't be able to actually focus on the relationship. And if he did break up with me? I don't know what I'd do."

For the record, the guy mentioned in the old post is a different guy. Just saying. 

Why for the love of all things good in the world must I be so guy-centered? I mean I'm not even ready for a relationship (I feel like we've had this chat before). Girls, if I can prepare you for anything, let it be this. (not true, there are far more important things to prepare you for.) It's soap box time.

*clears throat, gets on soap box*

Girls, this isn't going to be a 'you don't need a man, you are a strong, confident woman' speech. I want you to go on dates and get married and have fun. But the pressure that comes from being single is a painful one. 

I live in Provo, Utah. A college town with tons of Mormons (with the surrounding colleges being BYU--a Mormon school--and UVU) and an intense marriage-focused bubble that surrounds the entire town. A real thing is the BYU statistic aka an 18-year-old girl getting married (or at least engaged) during her freshman year. Yes, that is a thing. Though it's gone down a bit since the sister missionary age is now 19 instead of 21. 

While it's fairly normal to go through school and graduate single, the longer you remain in school (as a single person) the more pressure you get. I'm 22. I'm still very much a child (if you ask real adults, not the college student adults that I hang out with. Well, they'd agree as well) and so I have time to get married. 

I didn't feel this kind of pressure when I moved to Florida last year. The 7 months that I lived there were the most relaxing months I've ever experienced since starting college. From a relationship standpoint that is. Goodness knows I worked really hard while I was there. But living there I didn't have to worry about dating, I knew I had time and none of the guys I met really interested me (that may or may not have been a major factor in my attitude). 

But now I'm back in Provo and I allowed myself to get sucked back in to the 'Provo mentality'. Maybe it's because there are actually guys here that I'd be interested (or already are interested in, joy), maybe it's because I see engagement announcements and wedding photos pop on my Facebook newsfeed. 

Side note: Girls, do not, I repeat do not focus your life on social media. I've been there, I've done that, it gets boring after awhile. If you don't have anything to update the world on--that is a thing--then you basically will be left stalking friends' (and non-friends) walls and playing games. At least watch tv if you're going to waste time online or Pinterest. Focus on school. School is important.

For some reason, my other single girl friends are able to pull it off so much better than I. Maybe they're born with it, maybe they're maybelline. As my roommate put it last night "just don't focus on it" and as my other roommate stated "try to get the rest of your life in balance and then start focusing on dating". Or something like that, I'm paraphrasing. 

So how do I get out of the Provo mentality while still living in Provo? It'll be hard. Focusing on guys is easy. Painful at times but easy. It also distracts me from school, work, the boring-ness that is my life. (I may be fun but I don't do that much). I hate to say it but I just have to stop. Cold turkey (will they still be using that phrase when you read this?). 

I did it in Florida so theoretically I could do it again. It is going to be hard. Very hard. I'm not good at changing things and then of course when I do change them, I make a big dramatic deal about it because that is what I do. I'm dramatic that way. (Gosh, I'm such a drama queen.)

I tend to overthink things all the time. So in all honesty it really won't be that big of a deal. I have projects to work on, ideas that I want to implement. Which will require work and discipline. So instead of taking the easy way out and focusing on guys (or the lack thereof), I need to buckle down and get to work. 

Can I get off the soap box now? 

Thank you. 

Me and boys, an awkward combination.

Girls, 'tis a sad day today:

I am feeling sick and the guy I like knows I like him.



It's time to be a little bit honest, not that I haven't been honest with you in the past.

I'm 22. I'm not in any way, shape or form ready to be in a relationship (let alone marriage..egads). I have never been in a relationship nor gone on a 2nd date with any guy. Yes I have dated, whatever this isn't completely about me right now.

Yes, I like him. HOWEVER I've never tried to be anything but his friend. I'm not even sure if we would work well together. We have too many similarities to the point where it's gotten kind of weird. We'd be talking, he'd say something and I'm just like, in my head, "oh my gosh, you like that? Me too.."

It's Awkward!! 

But really though, it makes me feel weird. Half the time I wonder if he thinks I'm liking things just because of him. Grandma says I worry too much. She's right.

Really though, it's so weird. 

Enough of that. School is almost over, this week in fact. Finals will be over by Thursday and then I'm not taking classes until Fall Semester starts. I'm looking forward to the break, from school at least.

Instead of classes and work, it'll be work, triathlon training (yeah, your Mom does that. It's a thing.) and writing. Gosh, I've missed it. I am grateful for this blog because I get some kind of writing in every day. I don't feel like I'm doing nothing then. Well, doing nothing writing wise.

I've taken a brief hiatus from my writing group just until finals are over and then I'm going to jump back in. Yes, I'll still be updating this every day and I have some short stories that I need to write. One of them has been on the back burner since last November. The book I'm writing for my writing group is also a big project that I want to focus on as well as my fan-fic and the lit group that I'm a co-founder of.

Busy? Yes. But it'll be a good outlet and frankly I need it after all the weird guy stuff.

Well, I'm off to go take a test and turn in some homework. Till tomorrow.

On Father's Day

It's Sunday. That one day, that's better than all the rest.

My dear ones, that comes from a game that you will never get to play. That is a tragedy. The 90's had such great games and screen savers. Exhibit A:

Man...they just don't make good screen savers like that anymore. 

Pity.

I met with my bishop today, you know, the one who gave me this challenge. Apparently I am the only who to whom he's given this kind of challenge. Apparently it's important that I do this challenge. 

Thank you Yul Brynner

So today is Father's Day. And I have a father. You don't though, no yet. 

And yes, I'm calling out that awkward moment.

Let me tell you about Grandpa. He's pretty cool. My "adopted" brother Marcus (Grandpa's former TA who really pretty much was a brother and who should really send me another box of Lucky Charms) says that Grandpa and I should star in our own sitcom with the rest of the family as the supporting cast. 

I quite like that idea. 

But really Grandpa's a pretty stand-up guy. He's good for movie quotes, movie parties, laughs, giggles, mocking fests (get ready for those, our family has turned mocking into an art form), chatting, a whole number of things. 

Wow, I'm not good at this "feelings" talk. It's just not my style, you know? I don't do feelings, it makes me feel vulnerable and iffy. Yes, that's a thing. 

Grandpa is the best. You are so lucky. He's good for stories and songs and yes, father's blessings. He honors his priesthood and for that I'm grateful. He was the one who baptized me when I was eight, he was the one doing the baptisms when I turned 12 and went to the temple for the first time, he never misses a father's blessing before school starts, yeah, not sure what more I can say. You'll just have to meet him. 

He's the one who got me and Uncle Chris started on music, not playing but listening. The playing part came from Grandma. He was the one who got us listening to Chicago, Styx, Journey, REO Speedwagon, Rush, Asia, Beach Boys, etc. He's the one who would run with Chris and I to all the rides at all the theme parks. I don't know how much was him and how much was just my spectacularness but I never really felt scared of rides (but since it's Father's Day, I'll give him one). 

Yes girls, you come from a good family. 

Late is the hour and Jocelyn the Nielson should go to bed...

My dearest darlingest Momsie and Popsicle.

My dear Father

Future ones,

“Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select only things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authenticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don’t bother concealing your thievery – celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: “It’s not where you take things from – it’s where you take them to.”-Jim Jarmusch

This quote is BRILLIANT!

I love that quote, so very much. I actually just found it in another blog yesterday.

Okay enough of that, I really gotta stop writing this so late. But it's hard coming up with stuff to talk about! Honestly all I have for you from today is what is already written. Except I keep writing.

Ummm...well here's a short thing. I went and watched Thor 2 with some friends (that's why I didn't post this earlier) and before that I turned down going to a pool party with my ward so I could study. I didn't do a very good job, but an attempt was made.

I watched every one go to the party. I moved around my living room making dinner and watching them leave. Party of me wanted to run to my room, throw on my swimsuit and go after them. Because I wanted to be social, I wanted to know the jokes, remember the memories. I almost called Grandma to remind me why I was staying behind (studying), not that I actually did. I just really wanted to.

We'll talk more about this later but I want you to know right now at this moment that I survived being left behind. Gosh, it sounds so dramatic.

I was fine. 

That being said I had just gone to a party the night before so it made some sense why I wasn't going to the party tonight.

This post feels like a half-hearted job....but since it's just between you and me, well, for every 2 half jobs, it makes up a whole one, right? Right.

In the beginning, there was a blog...

This blog holds the record for most entries by moi.

Sad, right?

I thought that in honor of the record-holding blog I'd go into my pitiful personal history with blogs. 

Let us begin: 

CUT!
I just skimmed through them all.
Can I just say I was ridiculous?! Because I was.
okay, ACTION!

Freshman year:

The FIRST Blog: 
One of my roommates had to start a blog for a class. She started and then everyone else kind of jumped on the band wagon, myself included. 

Girls, do not, I repeat, DO NOT do what I did. Remember that one time that I talked about how I'm awful at persuasive essays? Well this was a persuasive blog. May it fade into online oblivion. 

I totally thought it would be my ticket to fame. *snort* Ha. If that blog had made me famous, goodness, I'd question society's sanity. 

The SECOND Blog:

This blog came sometime after I stopped writing the first one (obviously.)

I only wrote 2 entries in this one. It was the summer after freshman year and again, slightly persuasive, slightly stupid. Let's just say Mom wasn't going to get famous from that blog either. Was I trying to? I don't know, it was a long time ago. I've blocked out that time (at least from the blog-writing POV).

Sophomore year:

Over Christmas break I found this website where I could write articles and stuff and get paid for it. Done! Sign me up. 

So I started writing about music (I like to think I'm knowledgeable in that area...) and wrote about 40 revies/articles/interviews before I had to stop for finals. 

It was kind of fun, I got to interview Jenny Oaks Baker after she got nominated for a Grammy (and subsequently lost said Grammy). I had the father of a 15-year-old girl email me about interview his daughter. I had written a spotlight on another 15-year-old girl who had made it on Billboard and the potential interviewee was in said music video. I had to decline because the 15-year-old was not the greatest of talents and I just couldn't promote her and feel good about it. 

After awhile I got tired of writing the articles, maybe I pushed myself too much, put too many expectations, tried too hard. I don't know, people seemed to like what I wrote but I couldn't keep it up.

Junior year:

This year I started 2 different blogs. One for my journalism class (which bombed btw. It wasn't that great of a blog.) and a movie/tv/song review blog. Because apparently I like that kind of thing.

The entertainment blog ended because I realized I had no idea what I was doing. Besides there were better, more credible blogs out there. Ah well, I focused on creative writing and fiction. And getting ready to work at Disney. 

So there you have it. My goodness, I actually keep trying with blogs. WAIT, I forgot one.

The one that I had right before this one. It was about creativity and again, it was slightly persuasive. Not so much as the first 2 but, well, okay it was fine, I just didn't write in it enough. As of write now I have 3 more page views in that blog than I do in this one, but that should be changed once this is posted. Some of those entries were fun to write, so I might copy and paste them here (that's not cheating right??) Or I might just post the links, I don't know.

What can we learn from this?

To paraphrase the words of Julian Smith/Jeffrey: This shirt blog's gonna make me famous!

I don't know, I'm like a lot of people, I want to be noticed. To the level of Perez Hilton? Hmmm, probably not. I can't pull that off.

But what I'm working on right now, it's not to become popular or famous. I'm just on the computer more than not and it's easier to include videos, pictures, etc. in a blog than say in a notebook or in a word document (yeah, I still use those). This is just between me and you girls. I haven't even posted the blog updates on Facebook or on my art page. Those other people who read this (they know who they are), they found this by pure happenstance. 

Actually that title makes me think of a sign I found in this chocolates shop in Pier 39 (yes, 39) in San Francisco. (This is not that sign, that sign was cuter.)



Well girls, till tomorrow. 

Late Night Chats

I'm not sure what I want to write about today. I feel very much like Pedro.

Where's my Napoleon to come save the day with a stellar dance number?

Oh, there he is.

It's not that I don't want to write, it's just that I don't know what to write. What really am I writing? You, you who won't be alive for an unknown amount of years, you who won't be able to read for sometime after that or even comprehend what appears on the screen, what am I trying to say to you?

The thing is I have no idea. This is just something my bishop told me to do because I'm broken, I'm tired, I've been through the wringer and I'm trying to recover. I get that the majority of people go through hard times, good times and all the times in between. I get that. I also get that I don't know what other people go through, I'm not them, I'm not living what they're living. What I am living is my life and my life gets hard at times.

I'm pretty sure this isn't what my bishop told me to write but I'm going to keep writing it anyway.

I work hard every day to keep my insecurities down. Some days I win, other days I lose but on those days I try to pull together enough confidence to get through to the next day.

No, I am not suicidal. 

I'm a lot stronger than I used to be and it's amazing. I'll go through a low period and then I'll have some conversation with someone and realize how spectacular of a person I am.

I am also not bipolar.

But I still have insecurities, I don't even remember them all, they just come and go as they please.  

Apparently I'll be made stronger because of this. The majority of the time I can keep a smile on my face. That being said I hate strongly dislike when people say to just wear a smile and it'll make your problems better. Or something like that. I wear a smile because I'm enjoying a good conversation or listening to good music. And well, frankly, I don't even smile a lot. I feel too much like a Barbie doll then. (I'm talking teeth showing and all..it's complicated.)

I feel your pain Barbie. 

[Insert passionate, powerful, quotable statement about how it's okay to have bad days, good days will come, mother loves you, etc.]

I like (not to say I actually like this, I'm just very VERY visual) to visualize the image of me standing on a faulty platform. A fragile foundation. So what I work on is building up that foundation so that I'm not dependent upon others for my happiness. 

Wow, that sounds really self-centered or something.

I think Stephen R. Covey put it best with his "centered" list. Friend-centered, career-centered, etc.

I want to be on a solid foundation so that as life happens I can move with life not be knocked down by it. 

(Wow, I really suck at these metaphors...too late to change my major?)

I guess the simplest way would be to bring up guys: 

*clears throat, gets on soap box*

I don't want to be dependent upon a guy. I want to be able to depend on him BUT I don't want to be dependent. Confident enough in myself that what he sees in me isn't my only view of myself.  

So this is what I'm working on. 

I've made progress and I continue to see progress even on the low days. 

I take the little things as wins even if they are smaller than the day before. 

Thank you.

*gets off soap box*

Drat, I missed posting at 11:11. That would have been cool. 

Oh well, I've always been one for wishing on stars not on the clock. It's too easy to say "it's 5 o'clock somewhere". 

The (Sort of) Post of Shame

I missed a day. 

I did.

I'll admit it. 

Which doesn't often happen--so enjoy it while it lasts.

No, I do admit when I'm wrong. I'm a lot better than I used to be. Makes me feel more mature.

Actually last night was one such night where I refused to admit that I was wrong. I was over at a friend's apartment watching a movie and after the movie was over he was working on some fishing knots.

(On a side note, it was actually really cool watching him work on that knot. I never go fishing nor am around people who fish PLUS knots are cool. Though I'm more for untying knots than tying them. Also that wire was super, super thin so watching him form a knot from that was fascinating.)

At one point I said I'd leave him with his fishing net. I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY THAT. I did mean to say wire or line but it was late, I was tired and I messed up.

He called me out on that so I said that I meant to say net. As I think back on that moment, I feel like there was a somewhat conscious decision to say the word 'net' and not 'wire' even though I knew while saying it that it was the wrong term. We went back and forth a moment about how I'm good with words, he believed me (yeah right), something like that. Eh, I am good with words, thank you very much but still...if I admitted now that he was right, goodness, his head would inflate.

He already claims to have won the water war from 2 days ago, don't need to give him anything more to hold over me.

Do I feel bad for *cough* lying *cough*? Hmm....

Yes, yes I do. 

Mirrors

Last night I was talking to a friend about dating. I was surprisingly blunt for which I feel bad. The main point of our chat was that he felt he didn't have anything to offer to a girl. Which I thought was ridiculous! He's a fantastic person who I think would be fun to date.

But it got me thinking about myself. I'm slightly self-centered, you know?

I looked at how much I've grown, I really have. Let me explain:

• The conversation itself. That conversation should never have happened. I'm an awkward person (but I will only ever claim 35% of your awkwardness) and I just usually stay far away from serious conversations like that.
• My bluntness. I am blunt at times, also sarcastic, nice, cold, funny, witty, I'm a lot of things. Aren't you so lucky to have me for a mom? But the thing is I have to be comfortable to let myself be blunt. Normally I'm not because I'm not sure how the other person will handle it. He can handle it (apparently? hopefully? oh well it already happened). 
• My self-confidence. My self-confidence is kind of low, something that I've been working pretty much all my life. Working at Disney though gave me a much needed boost. So while we were talking last night, actually after I left to go home, I was thinking about how I was slightly a hypocrite. I'm still working my confidence and yet there I was trying to, well I felt odd doing so. 

It was a good learning moment. He basically held up a mirror for me and I had a chance to look at myself. I am stronger than I thought, more confident than I thought. It was what I needed in a roundabout way.

To Teach or Not To Teach

Alright, alright, yesterday's post was a slight cop-out. BUT I still count it. The fact that I'm defending it, however, questions if it really should be counted or not.

I'm still counting it.

So I was in charge of the lesson today in Sunday school. It was about Ruth, Naomi and Hannah from the Old Testament and well, let's just say Grandma and Grandpa and probably Uncle Chris make far better teachers than I. 

I am so grateful for the table that was behind me and the bones in my body because otherwise I'd be a gelatinous mass on the floor. That would have been fun to clean up. 

When I talked to Grandma later, she asked if I did a good job. I said that others said so and her response was that I'd probably get asked to do it again. 

Clearly I'll need lots more practice. 

In all fairness it wasn't quite as bad as I thought it was going to be. I had the class move the chairs into a semi-circle (I hate the clumps and aisles that the original arrangement had provided) and I need the space. Of course the class was REALLY quiet, I had to nudge them into talking a few times. But it's over now and I can say for a first lesson, it wasn't too bad. 

Which I might add is a big step for me. I'm trying to acknowledge the fact that it was my first time, no, I wasn't perfect but I'm learning and I just need practice. I'm trying to go easy on myself (at least easier than I usually do) and my ego is a bit okay with that. 

All in all, a good day's work.

Collabro (A Brief Intermission from our Regular Program)

Well it's another day, another post.
NOTE: I'm still counting this as 6/7/2014. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Can I just say that I love this group? They are fantastic. Just watch.

 

Oh my goodness, that final version. Chills. And I thought I got chills from their audition. Actually another song that I love of theirs is Bring Him Home

 

The chills..THE CHILLS!!

What I love about them is that they are no where near the stereotypical boy band. I mean they do musical theater for Pete's sake! 

(Honestly this is about all I have for you today...I'm just so in love with their harmonies that nothing more needs to be said.)

Update: Also, because I forgot, Collabro won!! 

Girls, let's talk about boys

What this is not:

This is not an engagement post.

This is not a marriage post.

This is not even a "I'm dating this fantastic guy and here's what I learned' post.

No, this is a 'I'm single, slightly content with that and still very much a hopeless romantic" post. Does that make sense? Ehh whatever...

Let me just establish: I know that I will be getting married someday. I know that it's going to happen.

Now while I am still stupendously single I get the joyous task of figuring out what kind of guy I want to marry.



I wanted to find a clip but this works too haha.

Girls, your mother is slightly shallow when it comes to guys. Just slightly.

I want to be attracted to your father from the beginning and believe you me, Grandma's gotten after me for that. This scenario is just not appealing to me:

Barbie meets Ken--eh he's okay--she's not really attracted to him but they become friends whether through study group, ward callings or they have something in common--over time she realizes he "has a great personality" and he becomes more attractive--they start dating, fall in love and get married.

That scenario works for some people and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just not for me. Here's the scenario that I'd like:

Elizabeth Bennet enters the dance hall--overhears Mr. Darcy insulting her--vows to hate him always--gets thrown in social settings with him A LOT--they get used to each other--fall in love, get married.

Actually no. Mr. Darcy is great, fabulous even, but I would never be able to pull off the type of romantic adventure that he and Lizzy have. It would take too much energy and possibly cause ulcers. And let's be honest, Lizzy is way classier and wittier than I will ever be.

What I'd really like (as tempted as I am to quote other chick flicks, I'll refrain) is something like this:

Jocelyn meets a guy--yeah he's cute--they become friends, hang out, talk--he is a lot of fun to be around, definitely has "a great personality"--he asks her out, they start dating, fall in love, get married, the end.

I thought about including a "in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen" at the end, but I couldn't do it.

Well except I just did it here...awkward. 

Personality is everything!! No matter how cute the guy is, if our personalities don't work, then no bueno. There've been guys that I've liked in the past and I mainly just liked them for how attractive they were (again, slightly shallow). There was nothing in common, we rarely had anything to talk about and the attraction (always on my part) fizzled out.

I can't really think of a clever or even a good way to end this so I'm just going to go now. We'll talk later. Like tomorrow.

Not everything is supposed to happen when I want it to

This is not the post I originally intended. In fact I was almost finished with the original post but I decided to delete it.

I went to Grandpa today to talk with him about a guy. And to get a father's blessing (because that was another thing my bishop told me to get about 3 weeks ago). It was something I really needed but it left me feeling more confused.

Partly it was about California, at least that was one of the things we talked about before he gave me the blessing. I have some very complicated feelings about the Golden state. I love that place, I do (I'm going back at the end of July).

I feel like I'm supposed to go back to California for more than just a vacation. It started back in Florida when I was working at Disney. I saw posts on the CP (College Program) pages on Facebook and fellow CPs would write about how they were going to extend their programs or go part-time/full-time so that they could stay. I read those posts and I just couldn't say I agreed. Florida was great but I didn't want to live there, not permanently. A thought popped into my head that if I was in California then I might follow down that path.

But it's complicated! It involves Disney. Do you know what that means? It means it's that much harder for me to determine if my feelings about going to California are my thoughts or from God. I know I've talked about this already but it's something I worry about. Your mother is not a patient person. I'm positively certain that I was the very last person in line when given patience in the pre-mortal existence.

So what do I get tried with the most? Patience! Gah it never ends!

I get tried with school, friendships, Disney...it's a never-ending cycle. Apparently my being patient is super important.

Like right now I'm really focusing on being friends with guys. It's not something I'm naturally good at. Okay, that's not entirely true. Usually if I'm interested in a guy, I'll go straight for the flirtationship. Which never lasts long. So the guys I'm better friends with, they're the ones that I'm not interested in. So I'm good at being friends but I've never had a really good guy friend like I see other girls have. Yes, I'm jealous of that.  But I've been working on it. And so far it seems to be working. Especially with a guy that I'm kind of interested in right now (the guy mentioned above). But the thing is: I haven't had to work at a friendship in a long time! What I mean by that is that I haven't put much effort into friendships, it's easy for me to become friends with people. But to actually build a friendship that I want to hang on to? Yeah that part isn't so easy. Especially with guys. So while I'd like to be at point K with guys as far as friendship goes, I have to actually go through the entire alphabet. And unfortunately it's not like Alphabet soup where I can just skip over the letters I don't need. No, baby steps, baby steps. Where's Bill Murray when I need him???

Life Lessons--or the lack thereof

I wish I had some great life lesson for you.

But I don't.

I remember in junior high (and high school) writing persuasive essays and I would try to write these powerful, passionate pieces. Oh I was going to change the world with my writing, inspiring others to make the world a better place. 

Yeah, it was pathetic. 

Maybe in the hands of a better writer or a more knowledgeable person...No, I'm not trying to put myself down. It's a fact: I can't write persuasive essays. I think my favorite was an essay in 7th grade about bullies and I used personal backstory to tell it. Oh man, I thought I had it made. Best essay in the history of essays. *snort* That's funny. It was so cheesy that it was funny. Not funny in a good way but funny as in 'bless you child, bless you' (one of my favorite phrases). I think I got a B on that essay or something. I'm pretty positive I didn't get an A.

So why this turn to life lessons and my ridiculous attempts at persuasive writing?

Because I've been reading blog articles lately, ones that have gotten a lot of buzz online. Those articles each carry a message and the authors were able to get those messages across in such a way that people read and talk about them whether positively or negatively. I like writing but I'm not very good at it (that's why I'm an English major) and well frankly I'm better live than on paper, radio or TV. It's a good thing we'll be family then. You get to experience The Jocelyn Show with a front row seat. I may even let you guest star in an episode. 

I will admit I am so proud of myself right now for today being day 4 of this endeavor and I'm still posting every day. Okay not super proud (it is only day 4) but still with my record? Definitely a clap-yourself-on-the-back moment. 

Side note: still have that christmas song in my head. We do not judge. We merely acknowledge and accept. (one of my trademark phrases--or it should be trademarked.)

I really don't know the point of today's post but since I clearly stated that I don't have a life lesson for you...

Actually I do have (what I think is) a fabulous idea for tomorrow's entry. I kind of want to write it now and have 2 posts today but no. I will not. Who knows? It might not even be that good. As I think on that idea it would be more therapeutic (for me to write at least) and definitely on a subject that I'll mention more of at future dates. 

Well now what?

This is going to be hard, I can tell. I don't know what I'm going to be able to write everyday.

That video that I posted yesterday? I've pretty much had it on replay--at least the song portion. I don't know why, I just love that song. Probably because I'm a huge fan of Neil Patrick Harris. He's a fantastic host. I will admit that I don't watch How I Met Your Mother, but what I have seen of that show and what I've seen of NPH, he's awesome. But still, it's a Christmas song. Secretly I have no qualms against listening to Xmas music at times other than Christmas. HOWEVER I refuse to listen to it during October. No, that's not completely true. I mainly listen to Christmas music (or at least find odd enjoyment) in summer. Maybe it's the whole Christmas in July thing. What I do know is that right now at least I'm enjoying that song tremendously.

One thing that I forgot to write about (don't know why...) was about a post I made on Facebook--will that still be a thing when you read this??--about Disney. A year ago I was working at Disney World as part of the Disney College Program. A year from now I hope plan on doing a 2nd program in California at Disneyland. I had tagged several people (unfortunately not all of them) from my program and I had tons of people (at least tons for my statuses. I've seen hundreds of people like statuses, even thousands, but that's usually on pages or big events like engagements or marriages or missions. Right now I'm single and am not planning on going on a mission. Someday though, for marriage at least) like it. I also got into a few good conversations through that status with old friends and leaders. But the best part was an former trainer of mine. She wrote about how I would always notice when the People Mover goes through Mickey's Star Traders (one of the stores I worked at in the Magic Kingdom) and would wave to them. She said such nice things--about how she doesn't see that too much, how I had great stories of my adventures as a guest in the parks-- that I wanted to start crying. But I didn't. I'm weird about crying. Tears usually don't come but the emotion is ALWAYS there.

I made a difference. 

To know that, to know that what I did was important to someone else, it's the best feeling in the world. I don't always know if what I do matters. I'm just one person (one fantastic, fabulous, spectacular person) and I'm not usually in the limelight. Actually I'm never in the limelight. So when I find out that what I did made someone else happy, well then that makes me all giddy inside. It's like when I got home from Disney. My former Area Manager emailed me saying that I had received something and he wanted my address so he could mail it to me. When I opened it up, it contained a blue folder that had a letter from a guest and a notecard. The letter said that 2 cast members really made magic for the guest and one of those cast members was me!! Apparently I had noticed that it was the daughter's birthday and played some games with her in the arcade (loved doing that, even if it wasn't their birthday). The note card was from the General Manager of Merchandise!! He was saying how I really showed the 4 Keys and that I had done a good job.

Most of what I did at Disney, the little magical moments and stuff, was because that's what I wanted others to do for me. Those were magical moments I wished I could have. So I did them for others. And it got me noticed. A Mormon girl from a hybrid Arizona/California/Utah background got noticed amongst the thousands of cast members at Disney World. Did I end up on the cover of the Eyes and Ears magazine? No. But an executive said "You did a good job." It made me feel like everything I did was worth it and that even the times that I didn't get a reward or acknowledged, I know it was the right thing.

No longer a beginner?

I guess this means I'm past the beginning. Hallelujah!

I may or may not have been listening to the song that starts at 1:10, I tried to find the video that has only the song but that didn't work so we get to enjoy this opening in its entirety.

I am a Disney Fanatic. I am level-headed, so don't worry. Mom's not going to embarrass you in the parks. Besides I'm more about the rides than anything else so as long as you keep up with me from ride to ride we'll get along just fine.

I started this entry hours ago and now I can't remember what I wanted to write. Hmm, I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. 

I was talking to a friend of mine earlier today about California. He was saying how he's going to try to head out to CA as soon as he can, basically as soon as he finds a job. Me, I'm in the same boat HOWEVER I get to wait 8 months. 8 months before I can apply again to the Disney College Program. I just have this feeling that I'm supposed to go to California and it hurts my stomach at times. I've tried praying about it but the fact that it is Disneyland, well Disney in general, makes it that much more complicated. I mean, I will never not want to go to Disneyland so I really have to listen hard to figure out that it's what God wants me to do not just what I want me to do.

It's tough, life is tough but it's worth it in the end. 

Beginning

My bishop told me to start writing to you every day. I'm awful at journal keeping so this should be fun, plus this (the letter writing) is his way of getting me to do it.

But how do I write to someone who doesn't exist yet? Yes it's possible, I'm pretty sure I've read books about it (fiction or otherwise) but actually doing it is another matter.

Apparently this is supposed to be an exercise of sorts for me to write and for you to read someday and know "I can do it because Mom did it first". A whole 'paving the way' thing.

Here's a few things about me: 

1. I hate strongly dislike tolerate beginning new things. It's a struggle. It's not that I don't understand that to do anything you must start somewhere. I get that, I understand 100%. I just don't like the awkwardness of beginnings. I'd much rather skip the beginning and be doing. I'm not saying I'd be any better than at the beginning but I would already be doing and I can work with that. (I guess once I post this then I've begun and I can move on.)
2. I originally started this in a book. So now it gets complicated. Traditional v. technology, old school v. new school, dilemmas. But since I'm usually on my computer v. actually having that book with me, it might make this easier. Maybe. I love the feel of handwriting but I also love the flexibility of typing on the computer. Why a blog and not just a word document? I've tried using word documents before and let's just say I like blogs better. Plus blogs are just easier to keep organized, searching for entries, adding pictures, everything. So blog it is. 
3. I am full of contradictions. I am things while not being things like I am an introvert while being an extrovert (we'll go over vocabulary at another time), I am lazy while being a hard worker, etc. (those examples work right??). Basically I'll say one thing, do another, recant statements or just plain change my mind. Oh we are going to have so much fun when you get here. The grandest of times.

I think this is enough to get me started. 

Till tomorrow

Love, me