Not everything is supposed to happen when I want it to

This is not the post I originally intended. In fact I was almost finished with the original post but I decided to delete it.

I went to Grandpa today to talk with him about a guy. And to get a father's blessing (because that was another thing my bishop told me to get about 3 weeks ago). It was something I really needed but it left me feeling more confused.

Partly it was about California, at least that was one of the things we talked about before he gave me the blessing. I have some very complicated feelings about the Golden state. I love that place, I do (I'm going back at the end of July).

I feel like I'm supposed to go back to California for more than just a vacation. It started back in Florida when I was working at Disney. I saw posts on the CP (College Program) pages on Facebook and fellow CPs would write about how they were going to extend their programs or go part-time/full-time so that they could stay. I read those posts and I just couldn't say I agreed. Florida was great but I didn't want to live there, not permanently. A thought popped into my head that if I was in California then I might follow down that path.

But it's complicated! It involves Disney. Do you know what that means? It means it's that much harder for me to determine if my feelings about going to California are my thoughts or from God. I know I've talked about this already but it's something I worry about. Your mother is not a patient person. I'm positively certain that I was the very last person in line when given patience in the pre-mortal existence.

So what do I get tried with the most? Patience! Gah it never ends!

I get tried with school, friendships, Disney...it's a never-ending cycle. Apparently my being patient is super important.

Like right now I'm really focusing on being friends with guys. It's not something I'm naturally good at. Okay, that's not entirely true. Usually if I'm interested in a guy, I'll go straight for the flirtationship. Which never lasts long. So the guys I'm better friends with, they're the ones that I'm not interested in. So I'm good at being friends but I've never had a really good guy friend like I see other girls have. Yes, I'm jealous of that.  But I've been working on it. And so far it seems to be working. Especially with a guy that I'm kind of interested in right now (the guy mentioned above). But the thing is: I haven't had to work at a friendship in a long time! What I mean by that is that I haven't put much effort into friendships, it's easy for me to become friends with people. But to actually build a friendship that I want to hang on to? Yeah that part isn't so easy. Especially with guys. So while I'd like to be at point K with guys as far as friendship goes, I have to actually go through the entire alphabet. And unfortunately it's not like Alphabet soup where I can just skip over the letters I don't need. No, baby steps, baby steps. Where's Bill Murray when I need him???