Time for a Change (in less dramatic terms)

Yesterday was a low for me.

I already mentioned the guy.

I pulled this from an old blog (the most recent one):

"What brought on this idea that I don't love myself? A guy. Well, more specifically my mom asking me how could really any guy love me if I don't even love me. And she's right!! I mean, think about it. If I don't love myself as I am right now, then if I was in a relationship with a guy, my self-worth would be dependent upon him. I'd be so worried about him leaving, about trying to get him to stay that I wouldn't be able to actually focus on the relationship. And if he did break up with me? I don't know what I'd do."

For the record, the guy mentioned in the old post is a different guy. Just saying. 

Why for the love of all things good in the world must I be so guy-centered? I mean I'm not even ready for a relationship (I feel like we've had this chat before). Girls, if I can prepare you for anything, let it be this. (not true, there are far more important things to prepare you for.) It's soap box time.

*clears throat, gets on soap box*

Girls, this isn't going to be a 'you don't need a man, you are a strong, confident woman' speech. I want you to go on dates and get married and have fun. But the pressure that comes from being single is a painful one. 

I live in Provo, Utah. A college town with tons of Mormons (with the surrounding colleges being BYU--a Mormon school--and UVU) and an intense marriage-focused bubble that surrounds the entire town. A real thing is the BYU statistic aka an 18-year-old girl getting married (or at least engaged) during her freshman year. Yes, that is a thing. Though it's gone down a bit since the sister missionary age is now 19 instead of 21. 

While it's fairly normal to go through school and graduate single, the longer you remain in school (as a single person) the more pressure you get. I'm 22. I'm still very much a child (if you ask real adults, not the college student adults that I hang out with. Well, they'd agree as well) and so I have time to get married. 

I didn't feel this kind of pressure when I moved to Florida last year. The 7 months that I lived there were the most relaxing months I've ever experienced since starting college. From a relationship standpoint that is. Goodness knows I worked really hard while I was there. But living there I didn't have to worry about dating, I knew I had time and none of the guys I met really interested me (that may or may not have been a major factor in my attitude). 

But now I'm back in Provo and I allowed myself to get sucked back in to the 'Provo mentality'. Maybe it's because there are actually guys here that I'd be interested (or already are interested in, joy), maybe it's because I see engagement announcements and wedding photos pop on my Facebook newsfeed. 

Side note: Girls, do not, I repeat do not focus your life on social media. I've been there, I've done that, it gets boring after awhile. If you don't have anything to update the world on--that is a thing--then you basically will be left stalking friends' (and non-friends) walls and playing games. At least watch tv if you're going to waste time online or Pinterest. Focus on school. School is important.

For some reason, my other single girl friends are able to pull it off so much better than I. Maybe they're born with it, maybe they're maybelline. As my roommate put it last night "just don't focus on it" and as my other roommate stated "try to get the rest of your life in balance and then start focusing on dating". Or something like that, I'm paraphrasing. 

So how do I get out of the Provo mentality while still living in Provo? It'll be hard. Focusing on guys is easy. Painful at times but easy. It also distracts me from school, work, the boring-ness that is my life. (I may be fun but I don't do that much). I hate to say it but I just have to stop. Cold turkey (will they still be using that phrase when you read this?). 

I did it in Florida so theoretically I could do it again. It is going to be hard. Very hard. I'm not good at changing things and then of course when I do change them, I make a big dramatic deal about it because that is what I do. I'm dramatic that way. (Gosh, I'm such a drama queen.)

I tend to overthink things all the time. So in all honesty it really won't be that big of a deal. I have projects to work on, ideas that I want to implement. Which will require work and discipline. So instead of taking the easy way out and focusing on guys (or the lack thereof), I need to buckle down and get to work. 

Can I get off the soap box now? 

Thank you.