Late Night Chats

I'm not sure what I want to write about today. I feel very much like Pedro.

Where's my Napoleon to come save the day with a stellar dance number?

Oh, there he is.

It's not that I don't want to write, it's just that I don't know what to write. What really am I writing? You, you who won't be alive for an unknown amount of years, you who won't be able to read for sometime after that or even comprehend what appears on the screen, what am I trying to say to you?

The thing is I have no idea. This is just something my bishop told me to do because I'm broken, I'm tired, I've been through the wringer and I'm trying to recover. I get that the majority of people go through hard times, good times and all the times in between. I get that. I also get that I don't know what other people go through, I'm not them, I'm not living what they're living. What I am living is my life and my life gets hard at times.

I'm pretty sure this isn't what my bishop told me to write but I'm going to keep writing it anyway.

I work hard every day to keep my insecurities down. Some days I win, other days I lose but on those days I try to pull together enough confidence to get through to the next day.

No, I am not suicidal. 

I'm a lot stronger than I used to be and it's amazing. I'll go through a low period and then I'll have some conversation with someone and realize how spectacular of a person I am.

I am also not bipolar.

But I still have insecurities, I don't even remember them all, they just come and go as they please.  

Apparently I'll be made stronger because of this. The majority of the time I can keep a smile on my face. That being said I hate strongly dislike when people say to just wear a smile and it'll make your problems better. Or something like that. I wear a smile because I'm enjoying a good conversation or listening to good music. And well, frankly, I don't even smile a lot. I feel too much like a Barbie doll then. (I'm talking teeth showing and all..it's complicated.)

I feel your pain Barbie. 

[Insert passionate, powerful, quotable statement about how it's okay to have bad days, good days will come, mother loves you, etc.]

I like (not to say I actually like this, I'm just very VERY visual) to visualize the image of me standing on a faulty platform. A fragile foundation. So what I work on is building up that foundation so that I'm not dependent upon others for my happiness. 

Wow, that sounds really self-centered or something.

I think Stephen R. Covey put it best with his "centered" list. Friend-centered, career-centered, etc.

I want to be on a solid foundation so that as life happens I can move with life not be knocked down by it. 

(Wow, I really suck at these metaphors...too late to change my major?)

I guess the simplest way would be to bring up guys: 

*clears throat, gets on soap box*

I don't want to be dependent upon a guy. I want to be able to depend on him BUT I don't want to be dependent. Confident enough in myself that what he sees in me isn't my only view of myself.  

So this is what I'm working on. 

I've made progress and I continue to see progress even on the low days. 

I take the little things as wins even if they are smaller than the day before. 

Thank you.

*gets off soap box*

Drat, I missed posting at 11:11. That would have been cool. 

Oh well, I've always been one for wishing on stars not on the clock. It's too easy to say "it's 5 o'clock somewhere".