Feelings of Anticipation...The semester must be almost over!

Girls, I'm worried.

I keep getting these feelings. I don't know if they are feelings of intense desire (when I say intense desire, I mean that in the BEST WAY POSSIBLE!) or if I'm supposed to go somewhere or what.

Take Disney. I want to work for the company again. I worked for Disney last year and it was one of the greatest experiences in my life. I want to continue with them (and not just because then I can get into the parks for free). I mean, I want to be an writer and author for the rest of my life but I've never been able to settle into just one thing. Ever.

Anyway, I'll see pictures or videos of Disney-related things, places, characters (I think you get it) and my stomach feels different. Not like I'm going to be sick but more like anticipation. It kind of feels like urgency, to do what I don't know, but it's there.

I think it might also be memories of things. Pulling memories and combining them with thoughts of future adventures. It's an odd mixture.

As a side note, I think it also has to do with the fact that today is the last day of finals for me and I have 1 more final and 6 more work shifts to do (aka 3 days of work) before I'm home free. I can't wait to head home and spend time with family. I've got projects I want to work on and sleep to catch up on.

Rechargin' my batteries

The past few days I haven't really done anything with my ward. I've missed out on 2 big activities, Xmas activities in fact, and I just haven't been very social.

It's been so good for me to take a step back.

I consider myself an introvert with extroverted tendencies which means that while I like people and at times it really feels like I get energy from people. At the same time, I also need my alone time and for the past few days have been having some serious alone time.

That means that I've fully charged. I can be around other people again. Wow, that makes me sound selfish or something.

I'm going to try to make sure today is a good day.

OH and I had a great night with my roommates watching cheesy christmas movies. It was a great bonding time.

Friendships

So I screwed up majorly.

1) I totally forgot that the last post was the 100th post. And I was going to throw a party....

2) I had a recent lesson on friendship. A painful and beneficial lesson on friendship.

What happened isn't important. I messed up and I paid the consequence: the loss of a potential friend. But what I learned, more like what I was reminded is that you can't be friends with everyone. And that's not me trying to give some cop-out answer. With this person, I could never quite get a beat on him, I could never figure out who he was and how we connected. Let me try that again.

I try to get the beat on people because then I know how to act around them. It's just what I do. And I couldn't find this guy's beat and when I can't find a beat, I feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to act and that I'm walking on eggshells.

This is someone that I really wanted to be friends with. I don't like when I can't be friends with people whose friendship I wanted. But girls, it's okay.

You can't be friends with everyone. Acquaintances, sure, if you meet everyone. But friends? It's not always going to happen and that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you.

Believe me. There is nothing wrong with you.

Relaxing

I'm just been tired all day. Of people that is. So I'm staying in tonight, I'm really excited.

I went to the BYU Museum of Art today because they have a costumes exhibit as in a movie costumes exhibit.

While I did love the costumes (I'm always up to seeing things like that), I loved just being in a museum again. It's been far too long. Okay about 2 months, but still.

It was so great being around art. I'm not the greatest of artists but I love observing and studying art.

What a great way to spend some time today.

It's almost Thanksgiving

The semester is winding down. Thank goodness!

"Don’t limit yourself or your imagination. Imagination is a big beautiful space in your heart in which to live. Dream big, dream happy, dream kind."--Kenneth Brannagh

Here's to free food, free laundry and family!

Introverted Me vs. Extroverted Me: The Showdown

For the past week I have been involved with BYU's Care Week as a member and officer of the Disney History Club here on campus. Not something I've ever really done before, either been involved (or even really visited booths) at Care Week or really been part of a club on campus. But I don't know, I had a surge of confidence when I worked at Disney and there's people in the club here who have worked for Disney as well so I get some of that magic back.

I'm not going to lie, it feels really weird sitting here at this booth. I've got Disney music playing, TONS of sparkly confetti lying about and a large Mickey bag. So why do I feel awkward?

Probably because I'm more an introvert than an extrovert aka I don't often show my feelings about things in public. So I keep sitting here feeling ever out of my element and half hoping/half not hoping that I have friends that walk past. I'm conflicted....

I'm never going to be one of those Disney fans who has every piece of clothing, every movie, every toy, every album...okay, the movies, the music, the books and the paintings I want but can't afford. The other things? No, not really my style. Except watches. I used to have this ADORABLE Mickey watch but it disappeared on me.

Thankfully the student center isn't really busy right now. So I have some breathing room. 2:30 hours left.

Dream or Reality

You know what's great about theme parks? They aren't reality.

And yet for 7 months, Walt Disney World Resort was my reality. I went all through that resort and even now I can still feel the excitement, the joy of being in the park.

Working at Disney was tough but I had free access to the parks. I used that. My dad always said that I was hurting myself by going to the parks so much. Not in a "you should not go" way but in a "you're going to really miss this when you're back in school' way.

I do.

I absolutely do. Even working wasn't reality. There were smiles all over, I played with children, I played with adults, I got to be myself in the best way.

And when I played, I could just enjoy being a kid again...granted, one who was tall enough for all the rides.

I miss it.

I miss atmosphere, the feeling that came from observing others enjoy themselves, I miss waiting in lines for rides, catching shows, watching parades and knowing that I worked a full-time job so I could just enjoy the parks and not feel guilty.

Soon though...soon I hope to be back again.

I'm going back to Disney soon.

A weekend of learning

I competed this weekend in BYU's Dancesport and then volunteered during the evening shifts. I only competed in one event this semester due to lack of men and timing (but mostly lack of men). My work shift was at the same time as my 284 class event so I opted out of competing with that class. What I did compete in was the paso doble. I am a silver-level student and that was the Gold I dance. So basically I was dancing up to compete in that.There was 4 heats to start off with, I'm not sure how many couples overall, but I made it through that round to the Quarterfinal as one of 21 couples. So that was quite a few silver and gold couples that I knocked out before getting cut. It's needless to say but my latin instructor was super proud of me, heck I was super proud of me.

I love volunteering for Dancesport because I get to interact with the dancers and the coaches. Line up is my favorite position to work because I get to boss dancers around. Working that is always one of my favorite things. Every semester that I work Dancesport, I have more and more friends who compete so I can joke around with them. It has gotten to the point where I was talking to Emily (the TA for my Latin class and wife of the instructor, they are so great together!) on Saturday about what events she was competing in and she asked me if I knew where another dancer was. I didn't and told her that I was sorry and that I don't quite know everyone yet and she said "you will". Which means back to high school for me when I was known as the girl who knew everyone (or at least enough to know who they wanted to find).

I had signed up for Dance 180 for next semester, Beginning Social Dance. I'm thinking easy A and I've never taken it before. It would be a nice break from standard ballroom and I'm hoping to get into Gold I Latin next semester (if I don't, I'm signed up for 285 again). But both my Latin coach and one of my good friends on the tour team said that I'm too good for 180 and that I needed go right to 280 (a 2nd friend agreed). So I'm on the waitlist for a 280 class and one of my other tour team friends, a guy in my ward and the 2nd friend that agreed, is going to do a blitz master class for me and teach me all of 180 in 4 hours. He also told me what I need to do to get into that 280 class that I want.

Why did I tell you all that?

Because of that last paragraph (and the last line of the 2nd paragraph). The last line bit makes me feel good like I'm really becoming a part of the ballroom community. The last paragraph because it means that my friends and instructors know that I can dance and that I am getting better (and am good enough to skip a class. Saves me a semester of tuition money...or at least my parents. Something I've been very thankful about).

There was more I learned this weekend but that will be saved for another post.

It's A Ball during Fall

So I went with a cheesy, rhyme-y title.

I just really like fall, the crisp air, the colors, the cute fall/winter hats that I look absolutely adorable in. Oh yes. Fall is a good time for me.

I used to wish I was born during fall, I felt like such a Fall girl. But now I don't wish that anymore. Partly because my half-birthday is in the fall, so I get to celebrate a little bit. Also partly because then my real birthday isn't by Christmas which means I can guarantee presents for both my birthday and Xmas. None of this sharing my presents between holidays, thank you.

It's a Monday morning and I'm ready to take on the week. It's going to be great! I'm taking the lessons I learned yesterday and am going to test it out this week.

You know what I'm really excited about? It's Zumba day. Which means Zumba and then a half-hour jog right after. I used to be the type of person to avoid such things but now I'm pushing myself to do them. Because 1) Zumba's been pretty fun so far and 2) I want to do a 10k and a 5k with RunDisney next year. So I need to start training now.

Thanks for putting up with my long post yesterday, I just really needed to vent. I don't even think I got everything out but it helps knowing I can dump it all on you and you won't judge me. At least openly. At least if you want any presents at some future point in your life. Just saying.

Side note: Here's a great cover of 'When You Believe'. Enjoy!

Today was a low day for me and the lessons I learned

I don't know why but Sundays have just become my low days. Maybe because I don't have much scheduled and so I have to entertain myself. Okay that's not completely true. I just don't have as much going on Sundays. I don't know..Sundays are just easier for me to sink.

We had a multi-stake conference today with Elder Ballard speaking. That man is SO funny. He made some really great points about goal-making (which I NEED to work on) and just some really great points about life.

My day took a turn for the worse after that wonderful meeting.

After church I was talking with my room-roommate and her sister (we'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 respectively. Both super great.) One of the guys in the ward came over and started chatting with us. His apartment was going to host ours for dinner tonight. So the 4 of us are talking and then that guy's roommate came by. Now this is guy who is all that. Whether or not I have a crush on him is up for grabs. He's the type of guy that everyone knows who he is. Confident, Classy. Talented. Girls, you will soon be aware of this type of guy. I shall dub him (in true knighted fashion) Sir Flash.

Note: Sir Flash--a guy who possesses

flashy, visual talents: singing, acting,

dancing, etc. This guy may be nice, 

I'm not saying he's not. But he is 

flashy. That is all.

Anyway, Sir Flash came over to talk to us mainly because his roommate was there and because of Thing 2. They're pretty great friends. No romantic involvement at all (for the record). 

With Sir Flash, I feel like I'm not noticed at all. Not even just noticed like he doesn't like me as a person so he tolerates me solely because of my roommates. 

I don't like feeling like I'm not noticed. And also both guys made sure to invite Thing 2 to dinner so I felt extra awkward. Thing 2 is great, don't get me wrong, but she's super pretty. Both Things are really pretty. Doesn't help my low self-confidence much. 

Everyone kind of left, off to do different things. I was going to work on writing, then instead I was going to make a dessert for the dinner, but then I changed my mind. I called my best friend because I felt hurt. And I'm so glad I did. I broke down crying. She was telling me how she thinks I'm super talented, hilarious, she loves my sense of humor, etc. I don't often hear what other people think about me and I forget about the good things. So it was so good to hear. 

She's grown so much since we first met back in 2010. She's become this strong, amazing person. I asked her when she became so strong and she could hear me crying. So she asked if I wanted to go for a drive and we did. 

Even just talking to her on the phone changed my day around. The drive just made it so much better. 

We talked about people with a new kind of analogy, at least one that I haven't heard of: puzzles.

Imagine this. Everyone is a puzzle piece. And not everyone fits together. I'm not talking about the dating relationship version. I'm talking friendship. 

Not everyone fits together and that is just fine. When I worked at Disney, I had friends but I wasn't best friends with most of them. We were all part of the same puzzle (Disney) but we weren't part of the same section of that puzzle. I understood that and I was fine with that. 

But now I'm back at BYU and I keep trying to squeeze my puzzle piece to fit everyone else's. And I don't need to do that.

Thanks to that talk, dinner went much better and I feel much better. Better than I have in a while. 

And I'm TOTALLY going to hang on to that puzzle analogy. It worked so well for my creative, visual self.

Validation: The Facebook Way

I posted something on Facebook the other day. Actually it was that "You Never Know" video. What was interesting about that status was the fact that I actually opened up about personal things.

I got maybe 5 likes. Possibly 6 likes.

This is how low my self-esteem is. I see other people post similarly styled statuses and they get dozens of likes. Sometimes even up into the 100s.

I sit at 6 likes.

Facebook is awful because it makes visual validation important. I don't know how many people actually viewed my post, all I know is how many people clicked "Like". There's so much that goes into whether or not something is popular on Facebook. Level of interest, time of day posted, where it's posted, amount of friends/followers, etc.

I'm not proud to admit that I thrive, I need that validation. It's how I know I'm doing things right, following the right shows, listening to the right bands, goodness knows how many other things.

I don't even think it's because I want to be popular. Sure, back in elementary school or junior high, heck I wanted to be popular up through high school. It never happened though. Now it's more that I just want to be noticed. Oh heck, it's because I want to be popular. I want people to know who I am, to know my name. I want to do something or have done something that gets the attention of others (in a good way!).

There's a girl I work with who asks 'survey questions' to the customers. Purely harmless and I was actually the one who got her started. Now she gets recognized around campus as "Survey Girl" and she has 'regulars' that get excited when she asks a new question.

That could have been me! But I'm more often behind-the-scenes than at center stage which can hurt a lot especially when I hit a low point.

I'm getting better though. I'm learning, truly learning that I don't need that validation to be a good person and that validation, while it helps, is not what I should strive for. If I get it, then great. If I don't, my life will continue to move on in about as much the same way that it would have had if I had gotten that validation. Make sense? Yes? No? Eh...oh well.

Trial By Fire

I go to BYU where this year we were ranked as the smartest and hottest campus in the country. That's great. I quite enjoy BYU. I get a tuition break thanks to my dad and it's an LDS school. Makes living life a little bit easier if I don't have to worry about my standards.

BYU is also notorious for its high standards. Everyone is smart (obviously they had to be to get in), talented (dancing, singing, music, art, science, etc.), pretty, friendly, resourceful, hard-working...hold on, I need to get a thesaurus...no, I think you get the picture.

What's a girl to do?

Sometimes I absolutely hate BYU. I feel lost, that I fall through the cracks. Everything that I can do, there is ALWAYS someone who can do it better than me. I'm not part of any of the performing teams or do anything that would bring my name some kind of recognition. I am part of a couple of fun groups but even then I don't feel like I'm noticed. EVER!

This has been something that I've talked with my therapist about. Heck, I've talked to several bishops (both current and past) about this. They ALL agree that BYU can be a hard place.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard because it's good. Which makes it that much worse.

But that leaves me feeling insecure and frankly a failure. I'm not the greatest student, I'm not pretty by society's standards and I don't know, I often feel like I'm failing in some area of my life or another at any given point.

That's not healthy. Not in the slightest. I know that. My therapist knows that. That's something that I want you girls to know too.

I constantly have to remind myself that I'm okay just the way I am. That the improvements that I strive for are for myself and not for anyone else. This life is about progression. I can progress and work on making myself better. Doing that to impress others, whether it be friends, crushes or parents isn't the right way to go about it.

This following video really struck a chord.

"'Many of you think you are failures. You feel you cannot do well, that with all of your effort it is not sufficient....We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize, we do not often see the results that come of what we do....You never know how much good you do."'" Gordon B. Hinckley

I met with my therapist on Monday. At one point we again turned to this subject. I vented again my frustrations about feeling ignored and lost. We went back and forth about it for a minute. I told him that I knew I was where I needed to be (apartment complex, BYU, Provo, etc) and he responded by saying he knew why I was supposed to be there. He said he was going to read God's mind and that I was supposed to be here so that I could learn how to create a firm ground to stand on, to be comfortable in my own skin and that I don't need the validation of others to be happy (which is something that I do currently care and possibly obsess about). Yes, I know that he couldn't read God's mind but the point was still a valid one. It makes sense. How am I supposed to become better or stronger if there's no resistance to force me to grow?

While that's not my favorite way to grow, if I'm supposed to be here, then I should at least make some kind of effort. My way was obviously not working. Time to try something new.

Note: I do have friends that reach out to me. To those friends, I am forever grateful. But especially when I get low, I forget or lessen the value of those friends in favor of the majority that ignore me for whatever reason. This is why I keep going to therapy, one of the issues that I strive to correct.

What We Should Have Been Talking About All Along

I've never really been honest with you, have I?
No, I don't think so.

If I want to be the mom to you that I should be then, well, maybe I better start.

When I write to you, I don't tell you everything. In fact I treat you like I treat my friends and family.

I categorize everything. Call it OCD, call it fear, call it, I don't what else you could call it. But it's what I do. I categorize people (friend, family, co-worker, stranger, professor, crush, etc.) and by categorizing them, I also can decide what conversation subjects are appropriate to discuss with them. The most basic subjects are usually boys, school, work, light easy subjects that are stereotypically and socially acceptable for a girl of my status (single, young, Mormon college student). Oh and the weather is ALWAYS an appropriate subject to discuss.

I have done the same thing with you. True, I've treated you like I treat my closer friends and my closest family members. I've opened up to you girls more than I do most other people. But I still don't tell you everything. There may be times when you read this and think "Mom, you're so embarassing, why did you have to say that?!". There may be times when I agree with you.

But how can you learn anything from me if I don't tell you anything that I think is important?

So I'll start now.

I've been going to therapy off and on since 2010. I've really been going since October of 2012 (minus the time off for my Disney program) and it's helped a lot. I suffer from depression, mild or otherwise. I don't take anti-depressants and I'm happy about that.

Most days I'm pretty good, I'd even say spectacular. I get low sometimes but so far I've been able to bounce back. I've felt suicidal before, years ago with specific moments between 2011 through 2012. I have a really good therapist who helps so much and I'm blessed to be able to meet with him.

Honestly if it weren't for the gospel and my patriarchal blessing, I'd have been dead long ago. But God knows what I need and he throws me a rope when I need it the most.

The following passage has become one of my favorites. I found it one day when I was low. Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew God loved me. It comes from Mosiah 4:9 in the Book of Mormon:

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

Happy Halloween!!

This is one of my favorite versions, no this is my FAVORITE version of this song. Bette Midler does a fantastic job!!

I'm not that into celebrating Halloween. When I was a kid, yeah, totally. Now? Not so much. I won't always dress up (unlike today when I got 5 extra credit points for a class) and I'm not that big into candy.

You though.

You with the cuteness.

You will dress up.

You will get the candy.

I'm happy to help you with your costumes, it's just not my thing anymore. I'm more into Thanksgiving, Christmas (oh yeah!) and my birthday. Oh and your birthdays too. Yeah, we can celebrate those.

Apple pulled the plug on the iPod Classic....

As in the one that I own. The one that I was going to send in to get fixed.

Now they don't make the parts anymore so...now I'm saving to get an iPod Touch instead.

Which means internet. WiFi.

Girls, you don't understand. But you will. Someday, someday you too will want access to the all-knowing internet. 

But I'll make you wait until you're old enough.

Yeah. I'm going to be that mom.

In the meantime, the fact that I'll have a gadget that allows me near-constant access to the internet is a great thing! Social media for the WIN!

I like to think that I'll use it to promote blogging and other nonsense.

Because that's what I want to do with it.

I need to discipline myself first so that I don't spend countless hours playing ridiculous apps.

They're fun. That's why I play.

But they're also MAJOR time wasters.....

I've been doing a lot of reading.

Because I'm just that kind of girl. 

I like knowing what I'm going to do before I do it.

Okay, that's only half true.

I do like knowing BUT I also don't think before I act

85% of the time

But I'm trying to slow down, to take the time to actually do things right.

And actually try to make some kind of sense of this blogging thing. 

I know it's going to be part of the plan for me, being a blogger and all. 

I guess I should get back to reading and writing other projects.

Let's Pretend to be Grown-ups

I'm going to be honest. I'm not a grown-up. Sure by all legal and social purposes, I am very much a grown-up. Thank you birthdays!

In fact, when I worked in Florida, I had friends who told me

my age was wasted on me.

I could drink but I wouldn't.

They wanted to drink but couldn't.

It doesn't often happen that I have something or can do something that other people want to do.

Note: Girls, don't drink. Bad idea and not just because it's against the Word of Wisdom. 

I'm not talking about drinking though.

I'm talking about money.

Because girls?

I'm poor.

To be fair, I am a college student.

College Student (ˈkɒlɪdʒ ˈstjuːdənt) 

Definitions

noun

1. a student at a university or college 

2. one who is poor

Okay so that's not an accurate definition. I did pull from the Collins dictionary for most of the definition, but that 2nd point is mine. Also my roommate can actually read and understand the phonetic spellings...cool, right?

Yeah, whatever...

I'd like to not be so poor anymore. Living from paycheck to paycheck, not a fun lifestyle. 

There are things I want to do, things that I can't do due to lack of funding.

And right now? Right now I'm single. Single and childless which is actually a great combination when trying to gain control of finances. 

So I've been doing some reading and if I follow the steps

then by the time you arrive, maybe I'll actually have a penny or two 

to spend on you!

Look at that, you'll start off in this world with a penny to your names!

Now I just gotta stop with the fast food dinners....

So I'm totally reading "Blogging for Dummies" and other pseudo-professional thoughts

I've never actually read one of the 'For Dummies' series. Ever.

Partly because I've never felt like a dummy.

At least not one where there was book to explain it.

Anyways....I'm reading it.

While listening to Lindsay Stirling.

So a very productive time indeed.

Actually I came up with some ideas for my website. I'm so glad that I haven't created it yet. 

1. I don't have the money yet
2. I need to create some more samples first
3. I want to design possible layouts before I actually start working on it
4. I haven't finished my research yet.

The blogging book is more for fun really since obviously I struggle with this whole blogging thing. 

I did think about my future life though..

If I don't make it with Disney (that's still the plan!)

then I want to be a full-time writer.

Where I actually get paid.

And then I can just buy an annual pass to Disneyland

AND that annual pass? 

Mere change from my pocket.

What can I say? I dream big.

Getting out of this slump

I remember there was one day a few weeks ago when I got online and noticed that I had 23 views that day. Considering I usually get about 6-7 a day, that was a big deal. Still not sure what was up with that day...but ah well, doesn't really matter.

Maybe I'll get up to 10 views on a daily basis when you girls are here to read it.

Maybe.

I love this commercial. I thought it was really well done and of course made me only miss Disney more.

A terrible thing, this missing Disney. 

Absolutely terrible

Online presence and musical gifts

So it's a Wednesday and I should be in class. At least, this is the time of day when I would have class, but since I dropped it, I don't anymore. It's kind of nice. 

The other night I went over to talk to a guy in my ward. Partly because his apartment and mine were paired for "Apartment Dinner" this month and partly because he has a website and I want to be featured on said website. 

Just kidding. 

Actually it's true that he has a website, not true that I want to be featured though. Instead I actually want to create a website. An online portfolio of my writing so that I have something to show employers. That experience with the Laycock Center left me with a feeling of embarrassment. I had the desire but nothing to back me up. 

I've been researching websites and have narrowed it down to 

Wix vs. Squarespace

Let's just take a moment and admire the fact that I'm not jumping headfirst into this.

I'm so proud of myself!

That's not the only thing though. 

When I was talking to my friend, we started talking about performing.

Which is something I used to do. 

Something that I miss. 

So I'm working with Grandma and Grandpa to take voice lessons next semester.

Part of me doesn't want to, part of me wants to be like those people

who don't need to take lessons.

But then I remembered that your great-aunt takes lessons. 

If she can do it, so can I.

We're constantly learning and lessons are just one way of doing that.

I'm kind of excited by the idea of taking lessons again.

Singing is my strongest musical talent.

Followed by piano, flute and then guitar.

I'm already working on guitar, I play piano every now and then

Flute? well...I can play it but I don't often touch it.

Disclaimer: This is not a "maybe I should pick up the flute again as well" moment. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Hey, remember me, your mother?

Oh goodness, it's been far too long.

I am so not winning any award this month for blogging.

Alright, this past week or so has been really weird. I'm been busy and not getting enough sleep and trying to have some kind of social life (still not dating, though I did have an option to go on a friend-date tonight, but I said no) and work and church and yeah. It was taking a toll on my body and mind. I ended up staying home all day on Monday, sleeping and being miserable.

What has been done to help correct that? For starters, I withdrew from a class last Wednesday. I wasn't happy about it, I did like that class but my GPA was going to take a hit from that class at the end of this semester. So I'll retake it next semester when my load's a bit easier.

I haven't written in a while because I haven't had any idea of what to say. Okay that's not entirely true. 1) we'll chalk this month up as failed blog attempt.

I haven't written because I've been trying to work on other writing projects and yeah, I also just didn't know what to write.

What do you want to know? What do you need to hear from me?

This is the thing that I'm not good at, I'm not psychic so I have no idea what would be the best thing to write. So I guess it's still up to me. If that doesn't make sense, don't worry. It doesn't make sense to me either.

How do other people do it? The parents who write to their children. They seem to know something I don't. And yet I'm in the same boat as them. They don't have kids (eh...maybe they do) but they manage to write things like:

Don't do drugs. Live life. Reach for your dreams. Go to church.

You know, the important stuff.

So here's a short little bit to you:

No, I'm not going to do that. That's not my style. Ironically I'm the writer who can't write. I do better talking than I do writing and I do writing better than I do most everything else.

So you and I are going to take a step back. We'll try this again (the daily posts) and take it one day at a time. Because that, girls, is something that I have been learning and what I can share with you.

I guess that means that the new DAY 1 is complete.

Changes in my life

"...Never let the noise of the world overpower or overwhelm [the voice of the Lord in your life]."~Elder Perry

One of the guys in my ward posted this after Elder Perry spoke. It's such a great message and one that I really need to remember.

This weekend is General Conference Weekend. One of my favorite weekends during the year but I don't pay attention as much as I should. Not during Conference. I do read through the talks when the Conference edition of the Ensign comes out.

I'd like to change that. There are a lot of things I'd like to change, well I think improve would be a better word. What I do is "fine" but it's not good enough. Not anymore. It's not just the length of my attention span during Conference, it's everything. I bombed a test yesterday and I don't want to do that anymore, I don't feel like I was actually prepared for it.

"Feasting on the word of God each day is more important than sleep, school work, television shows, video games and social media. You may need to reorganize your priorities to provide time for scripture study. Do it!" ~ Elder Richard G. Scott

So I've decided to come up with a list. A list of somethings that I want to change and if I'm really good, I'll work on one thing a day, or improve one thing a day:

Read my scriptures and say my prayers EVERY morning

Get up on time (6 am or 5:30 for working days)

Tidy up my room every day (save deep cleans for cleaning checks)

Note: the above 3 are very worthy, but sound boring. Let me try again.

The New and Improved List!

Feast on the words of Christ every morning

Be an Early Bird going after that dang worm

Create a spacious and clean haven for myself

Enter that Imaginative world, writing down thoughts daily

Organize myself to allow creativity to shine through

Set aside time to just Relax

Eat healthier to enjoy more adventures

Take time to let my Best Self shine through

I think that's a very good place to start. Now my plan is to try to incorporate all of those in starting tonight but to really focus on just one a day. So I would try to do all 8 but do something special with the one that I'm focusing on. Like tomorrow I would start with the "Feast" goal and would read my scriptures as well as an article on lds.org. That way I don't try to slack on any but I still am focusing on just one. Maybe that will help. 

Well girls, we shall see!

Still not quite good at this whole blogging thing

Note: so we're going to check every now and then and see what the count ends up being for that last blog post...I'm pretty sure it was a fluke with the other blog.

There's this feeling that comes when I hear just the right song. It's so hard to describe, there's just this feeling that wells up inside of good times ahead. It's the weirdest feeling because it's doesn't always carry the feeling of good times ahead but about projects I want to work on. The music just flows through me, tugging and pulling at, well, I'm not completely sure what exactly. But it gets tugged and pulled at. It does mean that I get to figure that out though, and I'm kind of excited. I do like mysteries!

P.S. As the title suggests, I'm not very good at this am I? I mean, it's not like I'm trying to make money from it or expect to become famous. Heck, I'm still trying to figure out what to write.

Girls, what can I tell you that I won't have already told you in the real world when you actually arrive to said world? 

Yeah...I'm confused too.

The End of Everything or the Beginning (an odd blog post tale)

The following post accrued 18,362 +1s on Blogger. Umm...where, why how? and if so why didn't I get more views. hmm...odd. But I thought I'd share that post with you. It's from March 22 of this year. Also...how does the +1 thing even work? I mean really...totally confusing!


I've lost my creativity.

I can't find it anywhere.

Which is partly why I have this blog, to rediscover it.

But more importantly, to rediscover me. Because you know what I've realized?

I don't love myself.

I like me, I like lots of things about me. I just don't love me.

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"--George Bernard Shaw

I've stopped asking 'why not'. It's almost as if I've stopped dreaming. I still see things, I still notice things, lights, colors, sounds, but I just don't create anymore. And a part of me is seems to be missing. 

Yeah, it's like that.

I'm kind of getting off topic. Let's see, mention loss of creativity mojo-ness, check; mention lack of love for myself, check.

What brought on this idea that I don't love myself? A guy. Well, more specifically my mom asking me how could really any guy love me if I don't even love me. And she's right!! I mean, think about it. If I don't love myself as I am right now, then if I was in a relationship with a guy, my self-worth would be dependent upon him. I'd be so worried about him leaving, about trying to get him to stay that I wouldn't be able to actually focus on the relationship. And if he did break up with me? I don't know what I'd do.

So that's what I have to do. Take baby steps as I rediscover myself. Let myself breathe, and slowly remember what really creating is again. 

I realize that I've slightly rambled, perhaps in a most unorganized manner. 

How does this all connect? It connects because I'm a creative person. Because I'm a creative person, I like to create. Right now, I'm lacking in the creativity department. Partly because I just don't feel creative because I don't let myself enjoy the creating. I'm so determined to stand out, to be noticed, to be the best, that I've forgotten why I loved to create in the first place. I haven't seen that girl who loved to write stories and color whatever she wanted in a long time. 

And so here I am. Starting a journey to revive that creative girl, to remember who she was and what she stood for. 

Well, here goes nothing.

Let's talk about Dancing

What is it with the ends of months that make me not want to write? Don't really know...

Remember when I first started writing? I'd make words bigger, moved them around a bit to provide a bit of flair to the page...

Now?

Nothing like that. Except now I want to start doing that again..like what I'm doing now.

I went to a stake dance last night with a ton of people from my ward and 2 things: 1) It was 40s/50s theme (i like that) and 2) there was a band. A live band. A live big band. I'm talking swing music. Which is one of my favorite types of music despite the fact that I can't swing dance. I'll learn though. It'll be great.

I love to dance. Dancing and singing but we can save that for another time. The feeling of moving across the floor, moving my body, moving to the music, just movement in general makes me feel amazing. If I'm totally comfortable with myself then I just let myself go and I feel like I can fly. If I don't, well that kind of explains itself. That's why I'm taking ballroom classes at school, why I took clogging and ballet my freshman year of college and why I continue to dance. I want to keep that feeling of flying around.

It may or may not be the reason I want to marry a guy who knows how to dance. Oh yeah, I went there. Not even dating anyone and I'm already talking about marriage. Would I be willing to compromise the dancing? umm...maybe, but I think I'm getting carried away.

So back to last night's dance. (Side note: I did all my roommates' hair. I was kind of proud of myself.)





It's me...the back of my head at least. Did it myself. Go me.



This hairstyle (above) was fun because it fits her personality and it went well with her dress.



This one (above) was my favorite. She has such gorgeous hair, it was fun to work with her.



She was wearing a poodle skirt so this style worked well with the overall outfit.


Did you enjoy that brief break from the program? Yes? No? Ah well, now we return to our regularly scheduled program.

So the dance. Let me just say that when one of my "jam songs" comes on, I really get into it. Such was the case with Cupid Shuffle, Cotton Eyed Joe and Footloose. I do dance to other songs. But those songs...mmm I got this, girls, I got the moves for them. But there's a reason I stopped going to stake dances when I was 16. Partly because they cancelled all the summer dances and mainly because of slow dances.

I LOVE SLOW DANCES. Especially if the guy knows how to really dance (thank you ballroom). But guys don't really ask me to dance and I got tired of asking every single time. Which has actually started affecting how I act in my dance classes. I just don't really ask guys anymore. I like to dance with certain guys in my classes, not because I'm attracted to them, but because I know they know the routine. If the guy doesn't know the routine...I'm just really getting carried away tonight...

So last night I didn't dance a single slow dance. Which was sad. Because they were big band slow numbers. Which I love. More than most people know. But...but I just couldn't get myself to ask guys to dance, so I would leave.

Awkward, right? yes.

It was still fun (the fast numbers at least) and the band was phenomenal!! But I need to work on whatever that thing is that's keeping me from asking guys to dance (especially in class). Also it's not just me, it's the boys. They're dumb for not asking more girls to dance (aka myself).

G'night girls.

To Live

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."--You've Got Mail

I write and post pieces on an art website (literature being my niche in that community). I haven't been doing it lately because...well I haven't been writing. 

I have all these big plans, dreams to fulfill and goals to accomplish and yet...nothing.

I'm trying to remember how to dream and create and it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Okay that's not completely true but it's up there near the top of the list if it's not at the top. 

If you take a look at the previous post (go on, peek at it) the quote that's featured on that post is connected to this post. In fact, if you don't want to go back, take a look below:

"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask the God of Heaven for help in solving them. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. - Just do the best you can, but be sure it is your very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Do I do my best? I don't think so. I'm not trying hard enough, not working hard enough, not being hard enough. 
If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't pray enough nor do I read my scriptures enough. And I'm scared of what might happen if I make it a habit, whether good or bad. I'm surviving at this current state of my life and I'm afraid of the unknown. 

This isn't me thinking that my life will be worse, but more that I'll start working on a habit and THEN fail. 
That disappointment, it terrifies me.

So whether my life is meant to be small or grand, unless I can move past myself and become that girl that I'm supposed to be, my life won't be as meaningful as I think it could be.

Nobody's Perfect Except Me (eh...okay I'm not perfect either)

So remember that one time that I said I'd do better the Sunday after my trip? Yeah...didn't happen.

"All of us have problems. We face them every day. How grateful I am that we have difficult things to wrestle with. They keep us alive. They keep us going. They keep us humble. They pull us down to our knees to ask the God of Heaven for help in solving them. Be grateful for your problems, and know that somehow there will come a solution. - Just do the best you can, but be sure it is your very best. Then leave it in the hands of the Lord." ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

A friend of mine posted the above quote a couple of days ago and it really hit me hard. It's what I've been going through, well forever really, but that last sentence is what I'm really struggling with. I just lack patience (I feel like we've talked about this before...) and sometimes I don't try as hard or as much as I should. Which is something I'm working on or at least attempting to work on.

Should be fun times ahead then...

Ehhh...excuses, excuses

I'm falling behind on this...but I'm back now from the trip so starting tomorrow I'll get back on track!

Some brief thoughts

Internet went out last night after I got my homework done...that's the excuse I'll give for my lack of post yesterday and that we're going to count this for yesterday.

Interesting thing about my 2nd post on the 17th. I posted it because I thought it was after midnight and that it wouldn't count as the 17th's post. Then I realized after posting that my computer is still on Utah time.

Yea..that happened.

A Post from California!

I'm finally in California and I promise I'll write more tomorrow...maybe ;)

I like when I finally know things...

or at least figure things out.

Let me explain:

A friend of mine asked me if I could set him up with a former junior high/high school friend. She said she was too busy and I never really heard about it again.

Well this morning (yes the morning after this should have been posted) I see that she got engaged to ANOTHER junior high/high school friend of mine. It all makes sense now (and at least it means she didn't turn down my friend because of him, no she said no because she was in a serious relationship already) and also, FINALLY!! At the back of my mind I knew they would get together but since it was never "Facebook Official" until now that is, well, I'm a terrible person who only believes Facebook....

So that's that. Today I head off to San Francisco for the rest of the week. I'm so excited!!

I'll write again from California!

ode to college but not really an ode

I was sitting outside on campus today during an hour break. Looking around I’m still in awe by the fact that every person I see here is working towards a career. In fact the girl who was sitting at the table next to me was listening to music and sketching away on a large drawing pad.

The idea that everything we learn here will most likely be used in a professional manner is astounding. To have friends who practice dance or music, who act, draw, design and that this is something they want to do for a career.

I write. I work on writing stories or keep up this blog because it allows me to practice. I’m still writing a novel, I’m still working on my fan fiction series, I’m still working on a short story for my old manager at Disney.

But what’s incredible is that I’m in a place where I can do that. Where I can study the written language and I can study media (my potential minor) and where my friends can study fields that they want to pursue. A place where they can collaborate with others to form music groups, design teams or creative teams to create something beautiful because that’s what they want to do.

While this may seem kind of rambling, hey I’m still learning and I’m trying to express how incredibly blessed I feel to be at this university because it allows me to learn and grow.

Cough, Cough

I have this terrible, terrible cough that just won't go away. What's worse is that it's the type of cough that I have to "cough out" as in these loud, throat-hacking jobs that are an embarrassment to myself and those around me. Okay they're not so bad...but still...body, can we not play nice in public?

That's all I'm asking. Thanks.

Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme...

I did laundry today and when I say I did laundry, I mean ALL my laundry. There was a mountain of it. Yes, I have that many clothes.

Needless to say, I'm still tackling the mountain. And what do I have to entertain myself while the mountain is being conquered? Cool Runnings. Fabulous movie.

Also...still sick. In case you were wondering.

Thoughts of a more religious nature

I'm still sick and so I'm taking this weekend off.

Yes I'll get my homework done, my room clean and update this blog. To kick off the weekend, here's a scripture that I've rediscovered and quite enjoy:

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.--Mosiah 4:9

I'm trying to believe that, because it requires patience. Patience that I lack.

Good night, my little ones.

Sickness is as sickness does

I'm sick, so I'm posting just a short thing tonight.

I'll be better soon.

Cheers to you, little ones

I'm not feeling so well, so this is me writing/not writing.

Also...you girls are great. I can't wait to meet you someday. We are going to have the best times. We'll also have tough times but those times will be nothing compared to the fun we'll have.

I can't wait.

Celebrate good times COME ON!

This is a "Congrats Mom, you're still writing your blog" entry.

Yes. Go me.

So to celebrate, here's a video or two (or three) that I quite enjoy.

Nerdy or not, I'm still the Mom. I win.

This because it's Disneyland and rides and a good song (I don't care who you are, I still like it.)

Sweet vocals

I said a third might be a possibility. This next one is just my childhood and everything. 

Disney nerd and proud.

There's a homework party going on in my living room

and I'm a full active participant. Well except for right now as I type this in my bedroom.

No, I didn't try to ditch, it was because I had Spanish homework and some videos to watch for that. I didn't want to disrupt the group so I went back to my room to finish it. And now it's done.

And now where am I going? Back out there to finish some film class reading assignments. "Way to be in school, Mom!" (this is just what I optimistically assume you will say upon reading this)

Raindrops and Roses (Wait...that's not what I meant at all)

I love a good rain storm. Laying in bed, listening to the rain fall, seeing lightning flash. Nature's power is amazing.

Today I got a blessing from my current bishop. In that blessing, I was told that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. I've never gotten that before, not in exact words. It was a relief, you know? To be told: you made the right decisions that led you to where you are and WHERE YOU ARE IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE. (when I say right decisions, I mean right school, right apartment complex, goodness knows I've made bad decisions in my lifetime)

A friend of mine posted this song and it touched my little heart. So I thought I'd share it with you.

Oh I hear the thunder...it sounds gorgeous.

Still very much okay.

I didn't make callbacks.

I'm okay with that.

Actually I'm not. I'm not okay in that I thought I was going to at least make the 2nd round.

But other than that I'm very much okay with not making it.

Because I can't act.

I can't. I'm not an actress. Am I dramatic? Oh yeah. But I act OFF stage not ON stage. Me being on stage and not being myself doesn't feel natural. I want people to know me for me, not as someone else. I'm not saying that those who act won't be known as themselves.

But I'm starting to like me. I'd like to show people me not the people I can play.

As a side note, I also have lots of projects to work on during this semester. And let's be honest, my class load probably would have started stressing me out if I also had to add in the rehearsal schedule.

A proud moment for myself, being okay. Not something I would have felt in the past but I feel it so now.

Odd feelings

I don't think I made the comedy group. And that's okay.
I think.
This is the last time I'm auditioning for it. It was also my 3rd time. But I have plans for this semester and honestly...I think me not doing it would be a good thing. I've got a gig as secretary of the campus Disney club, projects to work on and homework to do.

So for once I might actually not feel so bad about not making it. Well it wouldn't be the first time but this time...it just feels alright.

I just had to....

This is not me trying to post another tribute shot (even though it sort of is).

It's me saying look at this beautiful piece of art. I don't know who the artist is (NOT myself) but they are fabulous.

That is all.

Expressions of Impressions

"Impression without Expression equals Depression" Walt Stanchfield (courtesy of Don Hahn's Brain Storm)

I had a meeting last night with a campus club (I'm an officer in it, the secretary in fact) and it went long and then I was working on homework and tired and I COMPLETELY FORGOT to post. So this is for yesterday.

That quote is my new favorite one (or one of my new favorite ones). I'm very much thinking of posting in on my mirror.

More about this tonight in my 2nd post.

Audition Time

I've been working on an audition sketch for a sketch comedy group (Divine Comedy) at BYU. I picked a pretty good cast and we had our run-through tonight. I'm pretty sure it's going to be fantastic.

Enough to get me in? Not sure but I've had fun doing it. And if I don't make it, I still have a lot to work on this semester and I don't have to do everything.

I'll update you on how it goes after the auditions on Thursday.

2 more days....Let's do this! (that was my attempt at motivational stuff....did it work?)

School starts tomorrow

and I'm going to get back into writing every day. Starting today.

Appropriate right?

Also...I'm not on the Hogwarts train right now. Disappointment abounds.

At the bottom of the mountain

Worse and worse...

So here's what's up:

I had a triathlon (my very 1st...duh, i mean since when do I do tough stuff like that, right?!) so I'm still recovering from that.

Maybe tomorrow I'll write more.

Yet another Robin Williams Tribute.

This one is my favorite (the video). 

When it's my time to go, I want a video like this done about me. Okay? okay.

I got kicked out of my room today.

Granted, I went willingly. Roommate #1 wanted to speak alone with Roommate #2. 

I'm slightly hurt but it's a hurt I can't explain.

I wasn't wanted. 

My company, my opinions weren't desired.

I'm kind of proud of myself, I openly acknowledged the fact that I wasn't needed for the conversation.

But it still hurts. 

I don't think I've felt this kind of hurt in a while. 

I want to cry. I want to get the hurt and pain that's trapped inside out of me.

Girls, you and I will be together a long time. 

So let me tell you now:

There will be moments when you feel like this. 

Moments that you hurt, you ache, you grieve. 

I'm not trying to take away from all the good that you will feel. For you can't have one without the other.

Learn from me and don't hold it in.

Don't hold it back.

I'm not saying that you need to shout it to the world. 

What I am saying is to get it out of your body. 

Draw, paint, buy something if only to destroy it (an old roommate once smashed a pumpkin as a venting process--use only as a last resort), sing, dance, write, whatever it is, do that thing (Screaming into pillows is also common)

What do I do?

I will admit I hold a lot in. I do. Because I don't want people to know I'm hurting, I don't want them to worry. I make it a point to never cry in public (unless from laughter or the occasional movie--a very rare occurrence) or talk about my pains. 

I categorize things into: Always Talk About, Can Talk About, Maybe Talk About, and Never Talk About.

(I also categorize people but that's another story)

Sometimes I meet people that can hear things from the M.T.A or (the very rarest occasion) N.T.A categories. Most only hear things from the A.T.A or the C.T.A groups. 

Note: I'm liking all the acronyms. I feel businesslike...sort of.

The point, girls, is that don't hold it in. Get it out so that the healing can begin.

P.S. Always know that you can talk to me. No matter what it is, I am available to you. When you are ready.

Warning: do not be too violent. Smashing pumpkins is one thing, don't break things that can't be fixed and that you need to survive such as walls or plates or pillows or the like. Have a bonfire (in a safe environment) and roast marshmallows over the remains of broken relationship memories or horrible class assignments. Be safe, girls, SAFE.

To Die Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure--Tribute to Robin Williams

Dear Girls,

Robin Williams passed away today. He played some of my favorite roles: Mrs. Doubtfire, Peter Pan, John Keating, Genie.


I'm really saddened by his death. Not by the fact that he is dead but that he is no longer here.

Here was a man who made the world laugh and made the world cry. Life wasn't easy and he went through some storms in his personal life.

My favorite of his movies was Hook. (Don't worry, we will watch it frequently.) The love he showed for his children in that film and for his Lost Boys still touches me deeply.

What I'm sad about is that I won't get to see more..but is that too callous? I am grateful for the fact that he was here, here during a time when movies were made and TV shows were produced. That he was able to share his talents with the world and make the world a better place. Were all of his roles his best? Not at all but he has been in roles so memorable that they are still admired, enjoyed and cherished.

And Robin Williams? He's free. At last after years of struggles, he's free. No more pain.

Now if I watch his movies, I'll get to enjoy his company once more whether it's while playing a board game, being babysat by a nanny, sitting in an English class (though since I'm a girl...my presence would have been noticed), circling around Agrabah or flying over Neverland. He will live forever on in the work that he did and people will continue to be touched by his gift.

To Robin Williams, you are the Pan.

Post-Vacation Church Time

I'm home.
There's just something about coming home that beats out everything else. Whether it's the fact that I'm back in the familiar, I'm sleeping in my own bed (always a plus), or the fact that it was a vacation. Vacations must end. They must, I'm a firm believer of that.

But here's something I've noticed (pre-Church). I just got back after 2 weeks and people haven't really noticed or at least said anything. To my roommate they have but that's because she was gone for 5 weeks. I get it, it's a very long time during the summer. But still...

And maybe I'm over thinking it. I'll definitely be putting in my post-church views

but besides my roommates, no one else so far has said "Welcome back" of their own free will.

Kind of hurts.

Why should it hurt? Why should it matter?

I went on a fun vacation and now I'm back in the real world.

Probably because one of my biggest, no, greatest fears is that I'll be forgotten.

That no one will remember me.

And why should they? What have I done to deserve remembrance? 

I'm not nice to everyone.

I lack that charitable love for man, I'm not the girl that is just nice to all. 

So of course it gives way for me to be forgotten.

Why remember someone who, while maybe not mean, at least isn't the nicest around?

I know I wouldn't.

Alright, time for the post-church report.

People did notice that I was back. 

Not too many

but enough. 

I am satisfied for now.

From Sea World to deep insights..(possible ocean metaphor? eh not likely)

This is the longest I've gone without writing. (I think.)

Forgive me but I just got back from Sea World

A place that I haven't been to in years. 

It may sound sentimental but it was like coming home. 

Okay not completely. I'm not Aunt Aubrey.

I love the ocean and the creatures that claim it as their home. 

Dolphins, seals, sea lions, whales, turtles, clown fish 

and orcas and sharks.

Those are my 2 favorite. To the point where I bought a shark tooth necklace and a whale tail necklace while we were at the park.

Here's the Dolphin show that we watched today. 

 I've never been as passionate about the ocean, not outwardly at least. Aunt Aubrey? She wants to become a dolphin trainer and work at Sea World. 

I take that back. I am as passionate, I just don't show it. 

I don't like that I don't show it. 

Girls, you may not like reading this but I'll say it anyways: 

There are a lot of things about me that I don't like. 

Things you may go through (if you're not going through them now). 

I don't like that I don't show emotions, I don't show if I'm passionate. 

It takes a lot to get me to show things. I have to really be angry, really be happy, really be sad, really be excited. 

Otherwise I just show calmness, a laid-back California beach vibe. 

At least that's what I call it. I did live in California, you know haha.

Listen to the song at the end of that video (start about 18:50). I hear that song and songs similar to that and it pushes me, pushes something inside of me to do something, be something, create something and yet...nothing.

It wasn't enough.

Not enough to break through.

Not enough to motivate me.

Maybe I really don't have enough drive. 

Not enough to get past big hurdles..

Guess I've got more to work on then.

Inside Pixar: We're About Telling Stories (and other creative ideas)

This is what I want to do. I want to tell stories. Stories that matter and make people feel things.
When all is said and done, I want my time on this earth to be remembered, my name to be remembered. Does it need to be all big and flashy? No, no it doesn't. But it will be remembered.

Why do I bring up Pixar and creativity and stories?

Well I remember when I was a kid and arts and crafts were a big part of school. I wish I could say that I did my own thing, followed the beat of my own drum.

Nope 

I colored in the lines, I colored pictures with socially acceptable colors. I am NOT saying that that's bad. The colors I picked made the picture look pretty. I'm not saying I regret coloring in the lines.

I regret not letting myself play. 

I didn't let myself try. 

I realize that it's something that I've always done. It's not that I think elephants shouldn't be pink. It's just that technicolor pachyderms are really too much for me.

Oh yeah, I went there.

But really I don't know, I just didn't let myself play. I didn't explore what it would be like to draw a purple elephant and a pink seal (because those two together is a thing).

Maybe I cared too much what other people thought. Yes my pictures looked pretty and I was happy with them. What I didn't do, however, was let myself go (cue Frozen soundtrack).

Enough of that.

I think that what I regret now is that because I didn't explore then, it's harder to explore now. It's a habit, a very, very, very hard habit to break.

I want to explore that kind of creativity, but I don't know how. 

How does one go from coloring in the lines to embracing the blank space outside the lines? I still like what can be done inside the lines, but I can't branch outside nor can I change the colors of the picture.

I found an article (Coloring Outside the Lines) that really got to me. I want to be right, I want to be seen as right (oh my gosh, I sound self-centered, don't judge me) by society.

It'll take time, but I think I could work on that. I could try that with writing. Writing stories that make me happy, that aren't just 'what's right'. Who knows, maybe they'll be awful or maybe they'll be spectacular. The point is I tried, I explored and that must be all I can ask for, right?